Still about 410 calories of debt, but doing ok today.
Wednesday, September 30, 2015
FFVII Dirge of Cerberus – Part 7: Assault on Precinct WRO
Summary:
Some backstory on Lucrecia and Vincent. Azul leads a Tsviets (or
Deepground? Still unclear on their relationship, but I think it’s the
Tsviets group) attack on Reeve’s WRO headquarters.
Coldrun Fitness - Day 66
Did pretty well today. 1,980 calories, so about 400 calories left in "caloric debt" for this week.
Monday, September 28, 2015
Coldrun Fitness - Day 65
Just a bad day. Felt unsettled, hungry no matter what, and totally unfocused all day. Binged at the end.
I'll be ok. My plan as I sit here tonight is to try to get back on track with 2,400 calories tomorrow, and have two of the following three days cap at 2,000.
I'll be ok. My plan as I sit here tonight is to try to get back on track with 2,400 calories tomorrow, and have two of the following three days cap at 2,000.
FFVII Dirge of Cerberus – Part 6: Inside Edge
Summary:
Vincent infiltrates Edge, which is overrun with enemy troops. (I’m
assuming most enemies are Deepground, since I don’t know enough about
the Tsviets.) Encounter with Rosso.
Sunday, September 27, 2015
FFVII Dirge of Cerberus – Part 5: Hounded
Summary:
The Big Bad enemy gets named: the Deepground Soldiers. Citizens have
been disappearing from the town of Edge, so Vincent and Reeve head over
there pursued by Deepground hounds.
Coldrun Fitness - Day 64
End of week #9 weight: 255.2 lbs
---
End of week #8 weight: 257.8 lbs
End of week #7 weight: 258.6 lbs
End of week #6 weight: 256.4 lbs
End of week #5 weight: 260.0 lbs
End of week #4 weight: 262.0 lbs
End of week #3 weight: 262.4 lbs
End of week #2 weight: 265.0 lbs
End of week #1 weight: 268.2 lbs
Start of week #1 weight: 275.2 lbs
---
End of week #8 weight: 257.8 lbs
End of week #7 weight: 258.6 lbs
End of week #6 weight: 256.4 lbs
End of week #5 weight: 260.0 lbs
End of week #4 weight: 262.0 lbs
End of week #3 weight: 262.4 lbs
End of week #2 weight: 265.0 lbs
End of week #1 weight: 268.2 lbs
Start of week #1 weight: 275.2 lbs
Saturday, September 26, 2015
Friday, September 25, 2015
FFVII Dirge of Cerberus – Part 4: Color War
Summary:
Vincent [lol, wrote “Zack” before editing] has met the enemy, and he is
us. And by “us” I mean some powerful color-themed enemies such as Azul
and Rosso. Met Reeve/kitty.
Coldrun Fitness - Day 61
I want to be fair to the "2,400 calories per week" plan before adjusting. I'm not currently doing that.
Right now, I've eaten about 500 net calories more than that this week. My plan is then to make up the difference. My calorie limits for the next three days will be 2,100, 2,400, and 2,200. We'll see on Sunday whether it made a noticeable difference.
Well... no, I guess we won't, since I won't be able to see my weight on an alternate Sunday where I didn't do this. But I think it'll help and seems reasonable.
Right now, I've eaten about 500 net calories more than that this week. My plan is then to make up the difference. My calorie limits for the next three days will be 2,100, 2,400, and 2,200. We'll see on Sunday whether it made a noticeable difference.
Well... no, I guess we won't, since I won't be able to see my weight on an alternate Sunday where I didn't do this. But I think it'll help and seems reasonable.
Wednesday, September 23, 2015
Coldrun Fitness - Day 60
Victory from the jaws of defeat tonight. Went over my calorie limit, but only by a bit. Was on the verge of binging and didn't. So that's good.
FFVII Dirge of Cerberus – Part 3: Kalm Under Pressure
Summary: Let’s a-go! We begin briefly three years ago with a mission for Yuffie and Vincent, and then flash to the present where a hostile force (Shinra maybe?) attacks Kalm. Vincent tries to save some folks while on his way to see Reeve(!!).
Tuesday, September 22, 2015
Coldrun Fitness - Day 59
Today was a great day. Just felt calm, balanced, and in control.
---
I'm adjusting my Chipotle calorie count. I dramatically overstated the calories I counted earlier, and will use the website calculator more directly unless I get a larger portion of something than expected.
I overcounted it before because I thought, "Hey, better to overcount than undercount." Which is true. But better to count accurately than overcount. I thought there was no harm to overcounting, but there is. It's the same reason I don't want to set a calorie limit of 1,800. It'll cause me to be hungrier than I need to be, and I don't have great willpower to begin with.
So I'll try to be as accurate as possible in my push for 2,400 calories daily.
---
---
I'm adjusting my Chipotle calorie count. I dramatically overstated the calories I counted earlier, and will use the website calculator more directly unless I get a larger portion of something than expected.
I overcounted it before because I thought, "Hey, better to overcount than undercount." Which is true. But better to count accurately than overcount. I thought there was no harm to overcounting, but there is. It's the same reason I don't want to set a calorie limit of 1,800. It'll cause me to be hungrier than I need to be, and I don't have great willpower to begin with.
So I'll try to be as accurate as possible in my push for 2,400 calories daily.
---
FFVII Dirge of Cerberus – Part 2: Shoot ‘Er!
Summary:
Finished the tutorial, experiencing much of the game’s firearms
systems. All pretty well explained except for limit breaks, about which
I learned jack.
Sunday, September 20, 2015
FFVII Dirge of Cerberus – Part 1: Guns and Ammo
Summary: Where I get absolutely overwhelmed as I seems to enter a new genre of game. Intro and tutorial.
Coldrun Fitness - Day 57
End of week #8 weight: 257.8 lbs
---
End of week #7 weight: 258.6 lbs
End of week #6 weight: 256.4 lbs
End of week #5 weight: 260.0 lbs
End of week #4 weight: 262.0 lbs
End of week #3 weight: 262.4 lbs
End of week #2 weight: 265.0 lbs
End of week #1 weight: 268.2 lbs
Start of week #1 weight: 275.2 lbs
---
End of week #7 weight: 258.6 lbs
End of week #6 weight: 256.4 lbs
End of week #5 weight: 260.0 lbs
End of week #4 weight: 262.0 lbs
End of week #3 weight: 262.4 lbs
End of week #2 weight: 265.0 lbs
End of week #1 weight: 268.2 lbs
Start of week #1 weight: 275.2 lbs
Friday, September 18, 2015
Coldrun Fitness - Day 55
Morning: The next couple of days will be tricky. Family is visiting, which means way more eating out than usual. I'm going to do my best to make good choices and not give up.
---
Evening: Did well today. Went out to a steakhouse for dinner with my family and it could've gone so much worse had I not been looking out for good decisions. Some examples:
---
Evening: Did well today. Went out to a steakhouse for dinner with my family and it could've gone so much worse had I not been looking out for good decisions. Some examples:
- 6 oz. steak instead of 12 oz.
- Salad instead of clam chowder.
- A small macaroon instead of ice cream or cake.
Didn't even try to count calories since I don't have any kind of guide that tells me how much each was, but as I sit here tonight I don't feel bloated. I also didn't eat a ton beforehand. Feeling pretty happy at the moment.
Thursday, September 17, 2015
Coldrun Fitness - Day 54
Evening
Furious. Just so fucking mad right now. Threw my keys, threw books, punched my bed a few times, slammed doors.
I did an evening weigh-in just out of curiosity and came in at 260.4 lbs. I shouldn't have even checked my weight, since I always weigh in on Sundays and in the morning, so it's not apples to apples. But still. I hadn't done that badly this week! I worked out and went for walks and mostly stayed in my calorie range.
I feel like I'm going backwards, like it's never going to get better in the long run and I'm always going to be this same fat and ugly fuck I am now.
I'm not looking for comments or reassurance or "Don't worry, you've been doing really well!" or anything like that. I'm sure that in the cool light of the morning I'll feel better, and know that if I stick to my plan then in 4-5 weeks I'll be in the low 250s or high 240s if I'm lucky which would be awesome.
Just needed to vent. The hopelessness I feel now is just as much a part of me and this process as any pride I felt in small successes. I don't want to ignore it.
Furious. Just so fucking mad right now. Threw my keys, threw books, punched my bed a few times, slammed doors.
I did an evening weigh-in just out of curiosity and came in at 260.4 lbs. I shouldn't have even checked my weight, since I always weigh in on Sundays and in the morning, so it's not apples to apples. But still. I hadn't done that badly this week! I worked out and went for walks and mostly stayed in my calorie range.
I feel like I'm going backwards, like it's never going to get better in the long run and I'm always going to be this same fat and ugly fuck I am now.
I'm not looking for comments or reassurance or "Don't worry, you've been doing really well!" or anything like that. I'm sure that in the cool light of the morning I'll feel better, and know that if I stick to my plan then in 4-5 weeks I'll be in the low 250s or high 240s if I'm lucky which would be awesome.
Just needed to vent. The hopelessness I feel now is just as much a part of me and this process as any pride I felt in small successes. I don't want to ignore it.
Wednesday, September 16, 2015
Coldrun Fitness - Day 53
I keep thinking about margins. That's where the effort happens. That's where I should put my energy. I can autopilot most of the time. I have patterns of eating that keep me calm and more or less satisfied through the day. But there's always a test, a period where the real choice lives. Do I eat according to habit and more than I plan, or stick to my plan and stay hungrier than I'm used to?
I'll try to identify that period so it doesn't sneak up on me so much and work with it, work around it.
I'll try to identify that period so it doesn't sneak up on me so much and work with it, work around it.
Tuesday, September 15, 2015
Coldrun Fitness - Day 52
I went over my calorie limit today, but it wasn't a binge.
I had a pizza for dinner. I planned to eat two slices and refrigerate the rest, but ate four instead.
This is heartening to me. It wasn't a terrible day. What would today have looked like if it were good instead in terms of eating? I would've taken two slices of pizza, put them onto my plate, and refrigerated the rest, and mentally been done.
That's where I have to work. At the margins. Mostly, I'm in good shape.
I had a pizza for dinner. I planned to eat two slices and refrigerate the rest, but ate four instead.
This is heartening to me. It wasn't a terrible day. What would today have looked like if it were good instead in terms of eating? I would've taken two slices of pizza, put them onto my plate, and refrigerated the rest, and mentally been done.
That's where I have to work. At the margins. Mostly, I'm in good shape.
Monday, September 14, 2015
FFVII Crisis Core – Part 69: Honor Protected
Summary:
Wonderful ending to a solid game. Zack has a glorious final stand,
protecting his honor the whole way. Cloud trudges onward to Final
Fantasy VII (or perhaps Dirge of Cerberus? We’ll see in like a week!).
Coldrun Fitness - Day 51
Morning: I tend to have decently big breakfasts and lunches and very small dinners. Going to experiment with a smaller breakfast, big lunch, a snack in the afternoon and a medium dinner. Let's see how that goes.
---
Afternoon: I felt very hungry in the morning, between 9-11am, but it was definitely doable. I'm writing this section around 4:30pm, with about 500+ calories available for dinner. Going to have some pasta and frozen yogurt in a couple of hours.
---
Evening: Ended up having Spam and toast instead of pasta, but met my calorie limit and feeling pretty good.
---
Afternoon: I felt very hungry in the morning, between 9-11am, but it was definitely doable. I'm writing this section around 4:30pm, with about 500+ calories available for dinner. Going to have some pasta and frozen yogurt in a couple of hours.
---
Evening: Ended up having Spam and toast instead of pasta, but met my calorie limit and feeling pretty good.
Sunday, September 13, 2015
FFVII Crisis Core – Part 68: Silent Sacrifice
Summary: The end of Lazard and (maybe?) Genesis. The too rapid passage of time. Checking in with the Turks.
Coldrun Fitness - Day 50
End of week #7 weight: 258.6 lbs
---
End of week #6 weight: 256.4 lbs
End of week #5 weight: 260.0 lbs
End of week #4 weight: 262.0 lbs
End of week #3 weight: 262.4 lbs
End of week #2 weight: 265.0 lbs
End of week #1 weight: 268.2 lbs
Start of week #1 weight: 275.2 lbs
---
End of week #6 weight: 256.4 lbs
End of week #5 weight: 260.0 lbs
End of week #4 weight: 262.0 lbs
End of week #3 weight: 262.4 lbs
End of week #2 weight: 265.0 lbs
End of week #1 weight: 268.2 lbs
Start of week #1 weight: 275.2 lbs
Saturday, September 12, 2015
Coldrun Fitness - Day 49
I binged. The last day and a half, really. I feel ashamed and gross.
Not like those are all that helpful. Well, feeling gross is a physical reaction. I want to throw up and am nauseous. The shame is less helpful. I won't ignore it, but I won't dwell on it.
Shame tries to drive me astray, even now. It makes me want to "atone," to eat nothing for the next two days as penance. Penance to what? I didn't harm anyone else.
I don't think I'm a bad person, most of the time.
As with previous binges on this journey, or moments I went off my calorie limit, I'll try to rebalance. Get back to the middle. 2,400 calories a day, though I expect I may be less hungry over the next few days and eat less. If not, 2,400 is okay too.
N.B. I'm posting this at the start of the day to incentivize myself to get back on the calorie-count plan after a rough day and a half.
Not like those are all that helpful. Well, feeling gross is a physical reaction. I want to throw up and am nauseous. The shame is less helpful. I won't ignore it, but I won't dwell on it.
Shame tries to drive me astray, even now. It makes me want to "atone," to eat nothing for the next two days as penance. Penance to what? I didn't harm anyone else.
I don't think I'm a bad person, most of the time.
As with previous binges on this journey, or moments I went off my calorie limit, I'll try to rebalance. Get back to the middle. 2,400 calories a day, though I expect I may be less hungry over the next few days and eat less. If not, 2,400 is okay too.
N.B. I'm posting this at the start of the day to incentivize myself to get back on the calorie-count plan after a rough day and a half.
Wednesday, September 9, 2015
FFVII Crisis Core – Part 67: Gift of the Goddess
Summary: Genesis draws on the power of the goddess. He still falls.
Coldrun Fitness - Day 46
Kind of a tough-ish day. I forgot the "drink lots of water" lesson and drank almost all soda. Will try to fix that tomorrow.
Felt tempted to binge tonight on Chinese food specifically. The other option, a microwave meal or a bowl of pasta, sounded unsatisfying. So I compromised with myself. I got Chinese, but didn't binge.
My typical delivery Chinese food binge is egg drop soup, ten steamed dumplings, and a large platter of fried squid (listed in the menu as "for two"). Often finished off with ice cream.
God, it feels super gross and embarrassing when I write it out like that. But it is what it is. That was the temptation.
Instead, I got wonton soup and an appetizer sized cup of barbecued pork. It was actually really tasty, and I still feel a bit hungry. That's a good sign generally.
Felt tempted to binge tonight on Chinese food specifically. The other option, a microwave meal or a bowl of pasta, sounded unsatisfying. So I compromised with myself. I got Chinese, but didn't binge.
My typical delivery Chinese food binge is egg drop soup, ten steamed dumplings, and a large platter of fried squid (listed in the menu as "for two"). Often finished off with ice cream.
God, it feels super gross and embarrassing when I write it out like that. But it is what it is. That was the temptation.
Instead, I got wonton soup and an appetizer sized cup of barbecued pork. It was actually really tasty, and I still feel a bit hungry. That's a good sign generally.
Tuesday, September 8, 2015
FFVII Crisis Core – Part 66: Cavern of Wonders
Summary:
Did most of the Cavern of Wonders campaign. Touched a couple of other
missions, but ultimately decided to move on to the final area.
Coldrun Fitness - Day 45
Found myself very hungry this morning. If I have this cereal/milk/orange juice breakfast again, I think I might add a slice of buttered toast into the mix to make it more calorically comparable to a lunch or dinner meal
Monday, September 7, 2015
FFVII Crisis Core – Part 65: Breath Before the Plunge
Summary: It’s almost over.
Found the last Goddess materia and opened the way to Genesis (final
boss it seems), but decided to work on some missions first.
FFVII Crisis Core – Part 64: The Cage of Binding
Summary: Navigating the twin prisons of Howling Fang and the Cage of Binding.
Sunday, September 6, 2015
FFVII Crisis Core – Part 63: The Way Opens
Summary: The path to the Goddess continues as Zack plumbs the Depths of Judgment.
Coldrun Fitness - Day 43
End of week #6 weight: 256.4 lbs
---
End of week #5 weight: 260.0 lbs
End of week #4 weight: 262.0 lbs
End of week #3 weight: 262.4 lbs
End of week #2 weight: 265.0 lbs
End of week #1 weight: 268.2 lbs
Start of week #1 weight: 275.2 lbs
---
End of week #5 weight: 260.0 lbs
End of week #4 weight: 262.0 lbs
End of week #3 weight: 262.4 lbs
End of week #2 weight: 265.0 lbs
End of week #1 weight: 268.2 lbs
Start of week #1 weight: 275.2 lbs
Saturday, September 5, 2015
FFVII Crisis Core – Part 62: Secret Tunnel
Summary: Now THIS is more like it! A wonderfully fun, tense, and engaging session exploring the mysteries within the Depths of Judgment. The art’s great, the music’s great, the story is mysterious, there’s not a ton of combat bogging things down. Love it.
Friday, September 4, 2015
Coldrun Fitness - Day 41
Close call today. As I was leaving work, I decided to quit my diet plan. I'd binge today, go back on it tomorrow. New "Mark Watches" videos came out (one of my binging triggers), I felt hungry coming home from work, and decided to stop by my favorite fried chicken joint, and take out the biggest combo they have. Six chicken fingers, extra sauce (this wonderful tangy sauce), fries, Texas toast, cole slaw.
I'd settled. It was a done deal. And then a weird thing happened: I kept driving. I changed my mind.
It's very rare that I change my mind once I decide to binge. I already commit to it mentally and can't pull back. Cooked some pork chops at home instead.
I'm sitting here at 9:30pm. I'm hungry instead of bloated, proud instead of guilty, and I feel satisfied with this choice. Small victories.
This wasn't a great week. I binged one day, and came close a couple of times. But whatever my weight is on Sunday - even if I didn't lose anything or even gained weight - I know it could've been worst. That's not nothing.
I'd settled. It was a done deal. And then a weird thing happened: I kept driving. I changed my mind.
It's very rare that I change my mind once I decide to binge. I already commit to it mentally and can't pull back. Cooked some pork chops at home instead.
I'm sitting here at 9:30pm. I'm hungry instead of bloated, proud instead of guilty, and I feel satisfied with this choice. Small victories.
This wasn't a great week. I binged one day, and came close a couple of times. But whatever my weight is on Sunday - even if I didn't lose anything or even gained weight - I know it could've been worst. That's not nothing.
Thursday, September 3, 2015
Wednesday, September 2, 2015
FFVII Crisis Core – Part 61: Unwelcome Encore
Summary: “Can I get an encore?” Um. I guess. If you need to. “Do you want more?” I really don’t.
Short session of cleaning up some missions before progressing with the main story.
Short session of cleaning up some missions before progressing with the main story.
Coldrun Fitness - Day 39
Yesterday was a bad day. A binge day where I started out okay and by the end stopped caring, eating mindlessly.
It's cyclical. It's a pattern for me that's a constant struggle to break, this sense of not caring. The part of the pattern that came on aftewards, last night, was just as predictable:
"Maybe this isn't working. I'll never get this right." "I know! I'll make up for it. Tomorrow through Sunday, I'll eat 1,500 calories max. That'll undo yesterday."
I've been here before since I started this new attempt 39 days ago. The solution isn't extreme. I have to evaluate what happened, make small adjustments, and do better.
---
Part of it was that I didn't drink water. Drank lots of diet/"zero" soda, which goes hand-in-hand with certain salty/sweet binges. Today, I'll mix in soda with a lot more water.
Part of it was that I haven't kept up on cleaning my home. My dishes are dirty and I can't prepare meals there. I'll spend 30 minutes cleaning my apartment when I get home today.
Part of it was not wanting to self-monitor. I'll enter food calories in this blog as I go today, back to the cap of 2,400. To ensure this for today, I'll post this entry early and fill it in as I go.
Moving on.
It's cyclical. It's a pattern for me that's a constant struggle to break, this sense of not caring. The part of the pattern that came on aftewards, last night, was just as predictable:
"Maybe this isn't working. I'll never get this right." "I know! I'll make up for it. Tomorrow through Sunday, I'll eat 1,500 calories max. That'll undo yesterday."
I've been here before since I started this new attempt 39 days ago. The solution isn't extreme. I have to evaluate what happened, make small adjustments, and do better.
---
Part of it was that I didn't drink water. Drank lots of diet/"zero" soda, which goes hand-in-hand with certain salty/sweet binges. Today, I'll mix in soda with a lot more water.
Part of it was that I haven't kept up on cleaning my home. My dishes are dirty and I can't prepare meals there. I'll spend 30 minutes cleaning my apartment when I get home today.
Part of it was not wanting to self-monitor. I'll enter food calories in this blog as I go today, back to the cap of 2,400. To ensure this for today, I'll post this entry early and fill it in as I go.
Moving on.
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