Coldrun Fitness - May 31, 2016

Over this past week, I've gotten started on various fitness activities.  Just a taste of each of them.  Preparing food at home.  Eating mindfully. Exercising. Tracking.  Usually just one or two of these at a time.

My goal: start fencing again in July.  Use this next month, June 2016, to build better habits.  And yet, here's the key for me: build better habits without allowing myself to dwell on or be wracked by the feelings of anxiety, shame, failure, and self-hatred that come with excessively high expectations.

So here's the plan: I've put together a checklist of good habits that I want to build.  This will be my new log.  I'll work on what I can, and try to gradually increase the number of things I succeed in each day.

But this is a long list.  I won't check everything off.  Hell, there will be days where I check almost nothing off.  THAT'S OK.  Contrary to what my brain wants to tell me, it doesn't make me a terrible failure of a human being.  Low stress, low anxiety, celebrate when I do a lot of these things, and don't worry about when I don't.

---

Posting this early today and checking stuff off as I go.  Dunno if I'll do that on future days or just post at the end of the day going forward.

FFIX – Part 8: Ice Waltz

Summary: Stopped at Melda Arch, then traversed the Ice Cavern. Another tutorial. Or should I say – “Moogorial?” (No. No, I shouldn’t.) Black Waltz #1.

FFIX – Part 7: Teach Me, Mogster!

Summary: Small, self-contained session where moogles tutor me on the basics of FFIX game mechanics.

Coldrun Fitness - May 29, 2016

Walked today!  About 30 minutes.  Felt great.

Coldrun Fitness - May 28, 2016

Success!  My goal today was to eat all three of my meals mindfully, doing nothing but eating.  Not reading or listening to podcasts or watching TV.  It was a bit tough because I'm so used to doing other stuff while eating, but it really does make it easier to stop when I'm no longer hungry.  There's less incentive to just keep eating for the sake of inertia.

FFIX – Part 6: Sudden Arboreal Stop

Summary: Saving Garnet from the Evil Forest. Plant Brain. Blank’s sacrifice.

TW: spiders. Sort of.

Coldrun Fitness - May 27, 2016

Today's goal: log and keep to 2,600 calories..

FFIX – Part 5: Salvage Operation

Summary: The Tantalus, Vivi, and Steiner pick themselves up after the crash of the Prima Vista. Garnet is taken by a grat. The team regroups, and Zidane, Steiner, and Vivi prepare to get her back after some push-back from Baku. Learning about abilities and Active Time Events.

FFIX – Part 4: A Voluntary Kidnapping

Summary: The play comes to a fiery conclusion. Escape from Alexandria. GAAAARNET

Coldrun Fitness - May 25, 2016

Succeeded in my goal today! 

I often snack out.  Coffee shops, vending machines, etc.  Today, my goal was to just eat snacks I prepared at home.  Not even talking about cucumber and lettuce or anything, just crackers that I package at home.  Harder to binge when it's just what I prep/bag in advance.

Had some cheese crackers and a bottle frappuccino I had bought in a pack at the grocery store.  Again, not super healthy or anything, but far fewer calories than I'd normally eat when eating out.

Tomorrow, I think I'll try going for a walk.

FFIX – Part 3: Plutonic Disorder

Summary: The play begins. Steiner and the ridiculous Knights of Pluto. The decidedly un-ridiculous Beatrix and her queen’s guard. Exploring the Castle of Alexandria.

Coldrun Fitness - May 24, 2016

One of my major hangups that's led me to eat out often is that I don't know how to cook.  So my goal today to progress in Coldrun Fitness was to cook dinner and write down the ingredients I used and how I cooked in a composition book I'm using as a new cookbook.

Success!

Nothing major.  Really small I suppose, but it worked.  I made a baked potato.  (Sort of lol.)

Took a potato, washed it, coated it in olive oil, poked it with a fork, and popped it in the microwave on a plate.  700 watt microwave.  5 minutes, turn, 5 more minutes.

Cut it open, added butter, salt, pepper, and canned peas.  Mashed it all up and ate it.

It was awesome.  Next time I may try getting some shredded cheddar or peppers or who knows what.  This is a good template.

FFIX – Part 2: Animal Kingdom

Summary: CUTE OVERLOAD. Vivi, a little mage boy overwhelmed by the big city, meets animal people and moogles in his quest to see a play.

Coldrun Fitness - May 23, 2016

I've been feeling both more and less hopeful of late about fitness.

Less hopeful because I've given up on any sense of being "saved" by some hard process to follow, where if I do x, y, and z, I'll lose weight in the long-term.  I just frankly don't believe it anymore.  I don't buy it.  Not sure whether that means I don't believe in the plans or trust myself to follow the plans - probably somewhere in the joining.  I don't believe that I'm a good fit for hard-and-fast plans.

And yet I'm more hopeful than I've been in a long time.  My shifting focus away from finding a path to follow has reduced my stress significantly.  Less focus on extraneous stuff.  I'm searching for what works for me.

This may all be bullshit.  Very likely is.  I'm just so tired of latching onto nine step plans or "do this one thing this week and next week move onto the next stage" and and and... it all just feels artificial.

What isn't?  I don't know.  Going to try feeling my way very slowly.

This is not what giving up looks like.

FFIX – Part 1: I’m on a Boat

Summary: Various introductions. Princess Garnet in Alexandria. Zidane and the Tantalus. A kidnapping plot. Unnamed black mage.

Coldrun Fitness - May 22, 2016

Morning: Trying to eat meals at home today.  Posting as I go.

Evening: Fairly successful day in my opinion!  Felt happy to just get used to eating some meals at home, even if I went out for dinner.  This is a key foundation to build.  If I can start getting used to preparing food at home and eating at home, I'll be in better shape.

Coldrun Fitness - May 19, 2016

I've eaten out a TON recently.  Cooking and keeping clean dishes will be useful in becoming healthier.

Got groceries today.  Some foods I'll try to cook in coming days:

-roast chicken breast
-eggs
-sandwich (not "cooking," but preparing food at home still a step forward)

Chrono Trigger – Part 37: End of an Epoch

Summary: Some of my final thoughts on Chrono Trigger.

Chrono Trigger – Part 36: Dancing in the Moonlight

Summary: A beautiful moonlight parade. The party members return to their proper times. Goodbyes that may not be as permanent as they first seemed. Time traveling cat adventures.

Chrono Trigger – Part 35: Out of His Shell

Summary: The Black Omen, 12,000 BC. Mutants, the Queen of Zeal, and Lavos.

 

Coldrun Fitness - May 16, 2016 [in progress]

Dissatisfaction drives change.  If I'm happy with how things are going, then no change is necessary.  Seems pretty simple and standard, but as I use Nerd Fitness Academy as a guide post, I want to ensure that I don't go farther than I need.

The first big change from what I had been doing immediately prior was tracking my food, even without adjusting what I ate.  Definite progress.  Less likely to binge.

Was it enough?  Do I stop there?  No.  I don't.  I binged less, but I also ate more than I needed to lose weight and didn't really exercise.

---

Next up: count calories.  There's an honest chance I may find satisfaction here and not need to move on for a while.  No need to make that decision yet.  I'll give this "level 2" a good chance, try to become someone who adheres to a calorie limit once again, and see if I feel satisfied with progress after a while or if I need to adjust other habits.

First calorie limit: 2,700/day max.  It's about 400-500 calories lower than what I was eating in stage 1.  Will try that for a couple of weeks, and if it feels too high at that point, I'll reduce it.

Morning weight: 254.0 lbs

Chrono Trigger – Part 34: I, Robo

Summary: Puzzle of the Sun Orb. Geno Dome. Robo makes his stand.

Chrono Trigger – Part 33: Y for Vendetta

Summary: Some armor from Ioka. Unmasked the “Chancellor” in 1,000 AD and repaired Marle’s relationship with her father. MARLE

Chrono Trigger – Part 32: Chrono Trigger

Summary: Giant’s Claw and the Rainbow Shell. Redemption on Death Peak as the team uses the Chrono Trigger saves Crono. The final road to Lavos begins.

Chrono Trigger – Part 31: Conversations with Dead People

Summary: Difficult times for Marle at Castle Guardia. Goodbye to Toma. Repairing the Northern Ruins, and Frog helps the ghost of Cyrus find peace. Perhaps even a bit of peace for himself.

Coldrun Fitness - May 11, 2016

Completed "Solidify Myself in Nerd Fitness Level 1."  The next step after this is to try for level 2.  Level 1 was about pure tracking, and level 2 is about starting to reduce calories by about 500 calories without worrying too much about the composition of those calories.

Coldrun Fitness - May 10, 2016

An unusual day.  The places I ate, I didn't really know the calories, so just wrote the food itself.  One more day to solidify myself into Nerd Fitness Level 1 with tracking..

Chrono Trigger – Part 30: A Private Little Hell

Summary: Reunion with Robo. Lucca and Robo. Lucca and Lara. Love and guilt and growth and anger and hope and pain and friendship. Chrono Trigger.

”What we need to be able to get you to do is to remember the shooting without reliving it. And you have been reliving it.” -Dr. Keyworth, “Noel” (The West Wing)

Chrono Trigger – Part 29: Ozzfest

Summary: The perfect cure for my frustration in the Black Omen. Fiona’s Villa and Ozzie’s Fortress.

Coldrun Fitness - May 9, 2016

Two more days of pure tracking left to lock in Nerd Fitness level one. 

Coldrun Fitness - May 8, 2016

Chrono Trigger – Part 28: Close Enough

Summary: Raw frustration and rage as I attempt to fight through the Black Omen and fail miserably. Obtaining hope for Crono from Gaspar. Happy Mother’s Day, Crono’s mom. ---

Coldrun Fitness - May 7, 2016

Another pretty good day.  Not sure if it's related to anti-depressant, but not going to worry about that angle of it too much.  Have just not felt the need to last couple of days.  Even yesterday was more going through the motions with overeating, if that makes sense.

Chrono Trigger – Part 27: Black Omen

Summary: Janus and Magus. The Black Omen rises. The most difficult boss I’ve encountered thus far.

Coldrun Fitness - May 6, 2016

Coldrun Fitness - May 5, 2016

Better.

Chrono Trigger – Part 26: Hijack

Summary: Post-Lavos Dark Ages. The insufferable Dalton kidnaps the party and retrofits the Epoch. The party busts out, commandeers the Epoch in one of the most badass action sequences in the game thus far.

Chrono Trigger – Part 25: Rising Tides, Crashing Skies

Summary: The Ocean Palace. Lavos rises. Zeal falls. Crono fades. Schala. :(

Coldrun Fitness - May 4, 2016

8:05am: Today, I'm shooting for 2,650 cal max.  Updating post as the day goes on.
10:50pm: Didn't stick to it.  Didn't care.  Hard to care sometimes.  Often.

---

I've written a bit about mental health issues here in the past, and will update because I suppose it might end up being relevant.  Got prescribed an anti-depressant.  Starting it tomorrow.

---

This is Nerd Fitness Academy level one.  Watch myself.  See myself.  This is me.  A weeklong snapshot of Point A.  "Before."

Completed the "Start Your Food Log" quest.
Created a new quest, to track awareness of food for a week and eat "mindfully" once per day.  Eat one meal per day when not doing anything else.  Not listening to podcasts, not reading, not watching YouTube vids or LPs.

Coldrun Fitness - May 3, 2016

Chrono Trigger – Part 24: Zealots

Summary: Leaving Algetty. Exploring the kingdom of Zeal, getting a sense of its people. Encounter with Dalton.

Coldrun Fitness - May 2, 2016

Chrono Trigger – Part 23: Woeful Tidings

Summary: Climbing the Mountain of Woe. Freeing Melchior. The Ocean Palace up and running. Abduction of Schala.

Coldrun Fitness - May 1, 2016

Happy May!

Chrono Trigger – Part 22: Epoch Journey

Summary: Met what’s left of Balthasar, taking his “Wings of Time.” Dark Ages. Earthbound.