FFVII – Part 49: Weapon, Horror of the Deep!

Summary: Our party survives from Shinra’s clutches in Junon through a daring air escape. Blah blah blah. Whatever. What’s more important is that the series continues to fulfill my need to see giant monsters. Especially giant sea monsters. WEAPON ATTACKS!


Junon Branch

-I was wrong before. We’re not in the Shinra Building back in Midgar, but rather in the “Junon Branch.”

-Lovely. They’re “broadcasting [our] miserable deaths on live television.” Where are Cait Sith, Red, and Cid in all this?

-I mean, know we’ll get saved somehow – I don’t believe at all they’ll kill these two characters – but it’s still pretty brutal to see Tifa get dragged into a frigging “gas chamber.”

Eat a bag of hell, Scarlet.

-Saved by the bell! And by “the bell,” I mean “sirens signaling Weapon’s imminent approach.”

-Cait Sith was disguised as one of the suits and knocks out Scarlet. He and Barret fight off two guards. If Cid were here he’d have jumped in by now, so my guess is that he’s facilitating our escape on the outside by prepping the plane.

-Cait Sith is with Shinra, but apparently hates capital punishment and thus helping us. Not sure if he’s joking or actually against it. Where’s his real body anyway?

-Scarlet “already pushed the switch.” This must mean that Tifa’s on a timer.

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Above in Junon

-As Barret struggles to open the door, we switch perspectives upstairs to Rufus and Heidegger.

-Weapon’s approaching. They prepare Chekhov’s Cannon, the massive cannon jutting out of Junon Harbor. Oh man, so excited to see. This is totally turning into a Godzilla movie.

-They fire the cannon into the water, with a massive explosion.

-…Did it get it? The first rule of monster movies is that if you didn’t see the monster go down, the monster didn’t go down.

-HAHAHA HERE SHE COMES! But… it’s not Mecha-Godzilla. It’s a giant sprinting sea-monster instead. THIS IS THE BEST.

Nowhere to run.

But does this mean that Weapon can transform – like, sea monster while in the water and Mecha-Godzilla while on land? Or was Mecha-Godzilla a separate creature? My money’s on the former.

[Later edit: although… they really do look like different creatures altogether. Maybe it’s the latter.]

-Shinra tries standard fire power, but it doesn’t work. Of course it doesn’t.

-Weapon crashes into shore.

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Back Down Below

-The gas releases in Tifa’s chamber. Barret and Cait Sith have to find another way in.

-As soon as we leave to find another entrance, Scarlet got up and locked us out. I swear, game, if you kill off Tifa too…

-Cait Sith’s plan is to get to the airport. Probably to meet Cid and crash through the window to save Tifa in his airplane. This is one of those “video game logic lol” moments. It’ll probably work in game, but I seriously doubt “let’s leave Tifa in an active gas chamber while we go to the airport” is a sound plan in most circumstances.

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Outside

-We go outside, where a cameraman is hanging out by the cannon, trying to get some good footage.

-Barret and Cait Sith run down the boardwalk thing, and WEAPON EMERGES IT IS A SEA MONSTER IT IS THE MOST GLORIOUS THING EVER

-We get to the company airship after fighting through some guards, but no success. Maybe Cid’s in the ship and waiting for a dramatic moment to pick us up, but he sure is taking his sweet time.

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Gas Chamber

-Oh man. An “escape from the death chair” mini game.

-Kicked the key over to myself, but it keeps telling me to try different patterns. Can’t seem to do more than one at a time though.

-YES GAME I GET IT “TRY DIFFERENT MOVEMENTS AT ONCE” BUT I CAN ONLY DO ONE AT A TIME. Tried a bunch of combinations at once, but they just do one thing. WTF

[5 minutes later]

-FINALLY! Doing “head” and “leg” together worked, though I’m kinda sure I tried that combo like SEVENTY THREE TIMES BEFORE. Whatever. I guess it’s touchy.

-Shortly after that, she lets herself out, shuts off the gas, and escapes.

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Outside

-Meanwhile, outside, Weapon turns her nuclear fire breath on the port and it’s SO COOL!!!!1111!

-Aw. The cannon shot her down and seems to have killed her.

Good night, sweet princess. (Though if this is adhering to monster movie tropes, there’s a good chance you’re only wounded and will return some day to wreak havoc. MAKE THAT DAY SOON PLZ THX.)

-But she did blow a hole in the gas chamber, allowing Tifa to escape. Tifa is the best.

-She runs out onto something – the cannon? The harbor? – trying to escape from the pursuing Scarlet and her soldiers. Dead end.

-Come on, Cid/Cait Sith/Barret (NOT A OT3)… dramatically swoop in on a plane…

-….really, game?

A slap-fight? Tifa is a trained brawler, and you have her literally get into a slap-fight with Scarlet? She’s one of my best melee fighters. Her limit break is a rapid three-punch combo followed by a kicking somersault. And you reduced her to a slap fight. Ugh. Bad job.

It was probably supposed to be humorous, but felt demeaning and embarrassing, though I could well be overreacting.

-The airship swoops in. Huzzah!

We fly off into the distance, leaving Scarlet to eat our dust.

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Next time: aboard the Highwind.