FFVII Crisis Core – Part 34: Quadriceps of Steel

Summary: Zack hangs around the Shinra Building. I get a squatting mini game that’s more intense and fun than it has any right to be, and talk to some of the denizens of Sector 8.


Mission: Hojo’s Laboratory > Sample Monsters Lv. 1 > Experiment No. 104 (4/6)

-This is the campaign series where Hojo provides a simulation of each new summonable monster for me to fight so he can data-gather.

-It’s that golden Bahamut. Shot its spines out at me and I had to dodge them.

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Shinra Building

-One of the random SOLDIERs walking around tells me about his crush on Scarlet.

“I wouldn’t mind being stepped on by her high heels, if you know what I mean!”

-…which he has to express in the crassest way possible. Because FFVII.

-Zack’s answer? I get choices.

-I’d say Cissnei, but I think Zack would say Aerith. I’ll go with that. Though these guys wouldn’t have a clue who she is.

-lol at least they followed through on that.

-The scientists in the Testing Room will test Zack today.

-Uhhhh… he has to do squats. I forget how. And the game doesn’t tell me shit. Just pushing buttons I guess? No hints on how the controls work, nothing. My buttons don’t seem to do anything no matter what I push or what order I push them in. Even when I do nothing, he still does squats at a slow pace.

Bad job, game.

-Ok. Talked to the scientists again, and apparently some of his other dialogue options opened up a tutorial. Fine. My bad.

-Much better this time. Got in 37 squats instead of 17. And got “Lunchcart Specs!” So huzzah.

-Tried again, and got 48 squats. “Shinra Ceramic” was my reward. One more try, just ‘cause.

-Only got 46 this time. Got “Shinra Treads.” New reward each time? Hm.

-This mini-game is… strangely addictive. (Like many of Crisis Core’s side things.) Tried a few more times and got up to 57. Won “Shinra Solder.” All this seems to be for the cart.

-And that’s it. I beat the final dude. (Speaking of dudes, have we seen ANY women in SOLDIER?) An infantryman, then a captain, then a Third Class, and finally a Second Class.

-And yet…

-This game has its hooks in me. I keep trying even when there’s clearly no more prizes.

*about 15 attempts later*

-Perfect! Flawless squatting, 67 in a row. That was SO INTENSE. My palms are sweating, my heart was racing, the whole deal. I literally need to take a break. That was exhausting and awesome and I have almost literally no clue why it worked as a mini-game. Same brand of intensity as a (MUCH easier) version of a particular level of “Battletoads” I played when I was a kid.

p.s. it also makes me want to start doing squats irl.

-Kunsel emailed me that Sephiroth’s been reviewing the Project G files, on Genesis.

-I’m pretty overwhelmed by the amount of materia fusion stuff at my disposal, especially with Item Fusion now a thing. I can fuse two materia and one item into a new materia.

-An employee in the Exhibit Room is bitter at Cid for stealing his spot as an astronaut.

-Some Midgar Urban Development folks ask me to help them out. This probably means that some new mission have now opened.

-Yes! A new campaign. Going to explore a bit more, then come back to that.

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Sector 8

-A wandering infantryman keeps trying to catch a sneaky reporter and keeps just missing her. This has been an ongoing thing for a while.

-Aw. Genesis’s fan club is now in debt since their old merchandise is selling badly.

-An Angeal fan seems even worse off, thinking her idol has died. This is awful. I feel terrible for her – she says it’s like she has no hope left in life.

-AND HER KID HAS TO WATCH HER GO THROUGH THIS!

-A secret Sephiroth fan club called the Silver Elite exists.

-FOUND THE REPORTER! Lurking.

-Aw man. Do I turn him in? I, Coldrun, don’t want to, but I think Zack might feel kind of obligated.

-…Zack… dude… that’s not how you apprehend someone wanted by the Shinra infantry.

-The anti-Shinra person who told me about monsters around town and Weapons protecting the planet is still here. Believes the Weapons will protect the planet from Shinra.

But he wants nothing to do with AVALANCHE.

MAN: “You are oblivious to how sick this planet is. That’s the real danger this planet is facing. Tell me you’re going to fight that.”

ZACK: “…”

-Game. No. Stahp. Plz.

FFVII Crisis Core shows a dude catcalling on the street. (That’s what it looks like, at least.)

CATCALLER DUDE WHO NEEDS TO STOP: “Yo, yo, yo, cutie pie! Let’s have some fun!”

The woman get pissed and walks away pissed as fast as she can.

Oh. Wait, that’s not what happens.

WOMAN: “Hmm, I don’t know. (His face earns him three stars. The rest is up to what’s in his wallet!)”

Just a totally unrelated and entirely tangential question: what was the gender make-up of this game’s writers and directors? Pure and random curiosity.

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Next time: some missions maybe, but I’m going to first check out Loveless Avenue and then try to take the train to see Aerith if it’s possible.