Fitness - Day 7: Keystone

On confidence.




I've probably put on weight this week.  Some okay plans, just shopped today for groceries, started exercising, but I haven't been following through.  More binges.  I know what's missing in this.  I've known for a while, and have been afraid to confront it.

Grit.

Well, there are probably better words for it.  But perseverance. A sense that things will be tough, and I can face those tough things and live with them and come out better for it.  Whenever I binge, it's a retreat from challenge.

I'm used to thinking of of eating well as an all-or-nothing thing, and still slip into that even now.  Either I eat Diet Lettuce Slices with Low-Fat Water Soup, or I binge on ice cream and Chipotle.  This is false.  I have a plan now for progressive challenge, increasing moves towards fully healthy eating.  The step I'm on now is not some crash diet.  It's eat less.

And yet, I keep slipping away even from that.  It's because of a lack of personal grit.

It's okay.  I'm not blaming myself fully.  Or rather, I'm blaming myself, but not judging myself.  I heard for a long time that I'm a weak piece of shit.  It's a voice that sticks with me even now, that I've internalized. 

Fuck that voice.

I'm not a piece of shit.  I'm better than that. I won't always act better, and the attempt to gain a sense of grit in the face of inertia and temptation is not a single choice.  It's a series of constant choices.  It won't happen overnight.

But along the way, I want remember that.  Build on it as a foundation.

I am not a weak man.  I am no pushover.