Coldrun Fitness - April 19, 2016 [complete]

TW: discussion of mental health

I've been thinking a lot about the past two years of late, and body and weight.  About the rut I've been stuck in over the long haul.

Tried seeing a counselor very recently, and yesterday had two diagnoses confirmed.  Major depression and ADHD.



The first one I had diagnosed about three years ago, and have just been trying to ignore and fight through rather than really deal with.  (Looking back on the last three years, ignoring it and trying to "fight through" may have not been the most effective choice.) The ADHD I didn't know about.

It's all a bit overwhelming, but is ultimately kind of a relief?  I know that sounds weird, but it makes so many things snap into place.  Puts so many things into context.  I feel hopeful in a long-term way that I can deal the problems in my life in a way I haven't for a while.  I don't want to keep setting myself up to fail.

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In terms of this fitness plan, I still want to exercise and watch my calories, but not by trapping myself into the same routine I've tried over and over.  Not "Day 1 of 365!" or something similarly artificial. There's a rigid blandness to that kind of plan that sets myself for very short-term and fragile success followed by near-certain failure.  (Some of djinn87's comments of late helped me realize this as well, so thank you for that! :D)

It's time for a change.  A different kind of change.  I don't know exactly what, and will walk slowly towards it as I explore.

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Fitness Log

• Breakfast: Sesame bagel with cream cheese and bottle of skim chocolate milk. (630 cal)

My apartment fell into a bit of a wreck of late.  Haven't done dishes and things are pretty gross, so I ate out.  Keeping a clean apartment is pretty key for that, and I feel tired so often when I get home that it's hard to do that.  Dishes are one of those "keystone" things that enable success in different ways.  I should prioritize this higher.

• Lunch: Chipotle burrito bowl with white rice, vegetables, pinto beans, half steak/half shredded beef, salsa, cheese, guacamole.  Bottled mocha frappuccino. (1,180 cal)

This was a big lunch,  A bit much, but what's done is done.  I'm currently at 1,810 cal.  I want to finish off today at around 2,300 calories.  The plan is to take a break from work for a snack mid-afternoon and just have a small dinner.  Some soup maybe.  

All good.  Gonna go for a walk tonight, or even a bike ride, play some Chrono Trigger or Guild Wars 2, clean up the apartment, play with the cat a bit.  

• Snack: Small iced skim chai. (150 cal)

I drink that a lot.  I wonder how I could toss more variety into my routines.  Something to think on.

• Evening food: Two slices of pizza.  Some Frosted Flakes.  Iced "chaider" (chai with cider).  Vanilla frozen yogurt. (Didn't count calories.)

What can I glean from this?  What did this satisfy?  It distracted me from something. Provided white noise. I don't feel especially good.  I wonder how I can scratch that "need to be distracted and kill time" itch without eating, in a sustainable and long-term way. 

Active experimentation needed.

Total calories: Not sure.  Likely over 3,000.