Coldrun Fitness - Day 7 [in progress]

Binged yesterday.

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I want to talk about body acceptance.  I don't understand it.

I hear that you're supposed to accept your body and be happy with it.  I'm fine feeling this way about other people, staying away from overt fatphobia.  This is America in 2016, and it'd be raw hubris to say I'm immune from making unconscious judgments of others.  I'd love for that to be the case, but I exist within a fatphobic culture.  Denying its influence on me is dishonest and unhelpful.

Still, it's easy to fight judgments of other bodies compared to judgments of my own.  I hate my body.  I hate what it's become, what it feels like, what it looks like.  It brings me shame and embarrassment.  I'm visiting family later this week, and thought of having to... I dunno, "present myself" and try subtly sucking in my gut even though it won't matter or make me look any thinner makes me sweat.

I'm ashamed of having GAINED weight after losing a lot since the last time I saw them, and having to prepare my weight-gain elevator speech if it comes up. "Yeah, went off track a little bit, but doing a bit better now!"  And I know they love me and don't really care about my weight, and I hate that it matters so much to me anyway.

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Which brings me back to acceptance.  There are two competing ideas in my mind that I don't know how to bring into harmony with each other:

1) I should accept my body.

2) I want to lose weight and become fitter.

How the hell am I supposed to accept myself if I want to change myself?  How does this work?

Note: this is not a rhetorical question.  I don't intend to say, "therefore weight loss is a pointless goal" or "therefore body acceptance is a pointless goal."  I believe there's a way to square the two.  I just don't know how.

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I've observed a cycle over the last two years of Coldrun Fitness.  (Two years over the course of which I've lost a net total close to zero pounds.)

1) Frustration and anxiety and anger about my body.
2) Plan out habit changes to lose weight.
3) Enact habit changes.
4) Stress and anxiety and restlessness builds as I adapt badly to the change in habits.
5) Begin gradually to fall back into old habits.
6) Quit.
7) Frustration and anxiety and anger about my body.

It's a vicious cycle.  It feels tied to body acceptance and shame.

I don't know how to make it stop.




Fitness Log

• Breakfast: Iced skim chai latte.  Chocolate croissant. (470 cal)
• Lunch: Chicken tenders, sauce, fried, toast.  Half hot chocolate. (1,200 cal)
• Food #3 (calories) 

Total calories: