Hildibrand’s Quest: The Coliseum Conundrum
-The thief’s next target the grand prize for a gladiator melee in Ul’dah. A ring called the Warden’s Grace.
-Something fishy is going. Someone’s sabotaging the competition.
The fight promoter, a fashion-forward gent named Dour Meadow.
-ULTROS IS THE COLISEUM RECEPTIONIST! What a cool and specific FFVI callback. This Ultros was created during a failed thaumaturgy experiment
-He’s just as pervy as ever. A living “I’ve seen enough hentai to know where this is going” meme.
-A warrior named Avila is tied to most of the sketchiness. Hildibrand thinks Ultros is her accomplice.
-We follow Ultros around but all we see is him hitting on female gladiators as they run away in horror.
NASHU: “Poor Mister Ultros didn’t seem to have much luck with the ladies. Speaking only for myself, I’d love to have him for dinner! Perhaps in a nice lemon butter sauce…”
-Alas, a side-monologue shows that Ultros isn’t really innocent.
-We follow Avila. She’s Ala Mhigan, a scorned refugee group in Ul’dah. She wants to win wealth and power as a gladiator for her people, and for her sister, Hegelina.
Sketchy, but sympathetic.
-As we pursue Avila, Ultros lays out Wile E. Coyote-style traps against us that keep failing. XD
-Ultros even sends a chimera at us. It fails too, since Godbert (Hildy’s dad) shows up to kick its ass.
-Gilgamesh joins Ultros. This is beautiful, beautiful fan service. I adore it.
-lol nobody can remember Gilgamesh’s name. Hildibrand keeps calling him Greg, and now Ultros calls him Gulliver.
-Gregullivermesh isn’t really on Team Ultros; he’s just been foiled by Hildibrand’s unholy luck enough to warn Ultros to back off. He leaves; Gilgamesh has his own revenge schemes against me for beating him in a duel.
-Tournament time. Ultros has a secret weapon.
“Fungahhhhhh!” TYPHON IS ULTROS’S SECRET WEAPON!
-Ultros joins the melee. We hear him and Avila whispering to each other. They plan to wipe out the other combatants together, and then Ultros will take a dive for money.
-The melee begins. Avila wrecks everyone’s shit – I don’t thinks she needs Ultros tbqh.
-The only remaining combatants are Avila, Hildibrand, Ultros, and me. Ultros unveils his plan by tossing some raw truffles into the air, just the thing to trigger Typhon’s mighty sneeze.
-LOL NEVER MIND. Hildibrand roasted the truffles as a friendly gesture to Ultros, not knowing he was foiling Ultros’s plans.
Typhon doesn’t sneeze from secrecy; he instead casually wanders into the arena to the crowd’s confusion.
-HILDIBRAND CALMLY BOOPS THE ADORABLE TYPHON ON THE NOSE He sneezes, and Avila’s cheating is exposed. She planned to have Ultros trigger Typhon’s sneeze and make it look like that blast was her own “Tempest Blade” technique.
-This is awful. Sure, Avila cheated, but the crowd is ripping her as “just another shifty Ala Mhigan refugee,” that sort of bullshit. Ughh.
-The melee will continue without Avila. Ultros and Typhon against me and my friends.
-The fight is awesome. I go in with three friends and four strangers, eight players total. There are two core mechanics: Ultros occasionally turns players into imps, and when Typhon winds up for a massive sneeze, the imp players have to punch him and interrupt him.
-Oh, and the battle music is the FFVI boss music. I got CHILLS when it started up.
-Quest completion text: “You’ve succeeded in making seafood soup out of Ultros and his companion!”
-Award ceremony time. They bring out the ring and the thief shows himself.
-Before he can make his move, a spear lands from the sky. A clucking sound. HI GILGAMESH!
-This is basically a Benny Hill routine. Hildibrand swapped out Gil’s spear for a skewer of roasted truffles. Gil chases Hildy around the arena while Enkidu the chicken pecks at the truffles.
A laugh track plays throughout all of this - the assembled crowd watching the ceremony.
-The thief adapts. He drops a raw truffle into the arena, triggering Typhone’s sneeze. The sneeze creates a twister that blasts the ring into the rafters.
-Godbert (naked for some reason) swoops in to save the day. He grabs Hildibrand by the legs spins him around, and prepares to launch him into the air.
HILDIBRAND: “Brilliant! It’ll be just like Dalamud!”
THAT’S HOW HILDIBRAND WENT TO THE MOON? HIS DAD THREW HIM? Omg.
-Unfortunately, Godbert overshoots the mark. Hildibrand ends up halfway across the city.
-The ring settles into the thief’s hand. It’s a fake! Dour Meadow, the MC, tried to pass off a fake as the grand prize. Dammit. I trusted you and your pink striped suit.
-The thief managed to get the second prize, the Ring of Inquiry. Enough for his purposes.
-Avila watches from afar. She feels like shit that she sold out her honor for a fake prize, but Hildibrand comforts her. She did this for her sister, a worthy cause.
See, Hildibrand is oblivious with the devil’s own luck. But moments like this make me happy. He’s basically a decent goofball with a good heart. A true gentleman.
-We regroup. The Man of a Thousand Faces has now stolen three things: the Treaty-Blade, Azeyma’s Virtue, the Ring of Inquiry. All relics from the “era of the Belah’dians.”
-The thief’s next calling card arrives:
“I have enjoyed our little game, but all good things must come to an end. I shall claim the four sacred treasures, and justice shall be served.”
GODBERT: “When the four treasures of Belah’dia become one, the wicked shall be judged in the blazing light of sun.”
There’s some purpose in these thefts. It’s not about money. All the thief’s targets been Ul’dah’s richest and most powerful. He grows popular. Is he aiming to cause a popular revolt?
-Godbert catches sight of the thief briefly in the distance as he leaves.
“Hm, was that…? No, it couldn’t be. Hah! Methinks Godbert may need a new pair of spectacles.” So he’s someone Godbert knows. Hildibrand’s mother maybe? We haven’t met her yet.
-Trailer for the next and probably final chapter in the Hildibrand’s quest: “Her Last Vow.”
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Next time: the conclusion to the Hildibrand quests.
