New Year - Soft Reset

Hi!  New Year is my favorite holiday.  A time for re-charging, re-setting, re-energizing.  Re-focusing.

I finished off this year losing focus, losing progress I made, but I'm not losing hope.  Just the opposite.  Feeling optimistic as the new year approaches, and part of that involves a "soft reset."  Tomorrow will again be "Day 1," and rather than judging myself by the 275 weight that's long in the rear-view mirror now,  I'll look at whatever weight I am tomorrow as my new starting point in 2016.

Specific goals after the jump!

Coldrun Fitness - Day 157

FFVIII – Part 27: Word and Sorcery

Summary: A chilling introduction to President Vinzer’s ambassador: the calm, compelling caster known as the Sorceress. See ya, Seifer. (For now.)

Coldrun Fitness - Day 156

Another good day.  Building some momentum.

I'm super worried about momentum this week.  I don't want to slip more.  Spent the last day trying to think of ways not just to eat better, but to deal with some stressors that could cause me to regress.  One of those stressors is the belief that I have to eat unusually little, which just puts my focus on eating and what I don't have and makes me binge.

So for this week, I won't use the caloric debt system.  I'll probably come back to that eventually, but if I eat too much one day, I'll just bring my focus back to eating in balance rather than trying to "make up" for the bad day.

FFVIII – Part 26: Do it Live

Summary: President Vinzer’s broadcast, interrupted by the reappearance of Seifer and Quistis.
TW: emetophobia

Coldrun Fitness - Day 155

End of week #22 weight: 242.8 lbs
--- 
End of week #21 weight: 236.8 lbs
End of week #20 weight: 239.8 lbs
End of week #19 weight: 239.6 lbs
End of week #18 weight: 242.0 lbs
End of week #17 weight: 243.8 lbs 
End of week #16 weight: 247.8 lbs
End of week #15 weight: 246.6 lbs
End of week #14 weight: 248.2 lbs
End of week #13 weight: 248.2 lbs
End of week #12 weight: 250.8 lbs
End of week #11 weight: 249.4 lbs
End of week #10 weight: 251.8 lbs
End of week #9 weight: 255.2 lbs
End of week #8 weight: 257.8 lbs
End of week #7 weight: 258.6 lbs
End of week #6 weight: 256.4 lbs
End of week #5 weight: 260.0 lbs
End of week #4 weight: 262.0 lbs
End of week #3 weight: 262.4 lbs
End of week #2 weight: 265.0 lbs
End of week #1 weight: 268.2 lbs
Start of week #1 weight: 275.2 lbs

FFVIII – Part 25: When We Were Young

Summary: Finished my tour of Timber, visiting various families, train stations, the hotel, and magazine offices. Saw near unanimous sympathy for the Forest Owls among the townspeople. More of Squall’s defining character traits: jerkhood and boredom.

Coldrun Fitness - Day 154 (Notes on this week's absence)

This was a strange week.

I fell back into my old eating habits of pure binging, always eating out and getting junk food from the local gas station, and never feeling remotely hungry.  At first, I made excuses like, "I can fast one day and make up for it," or "It's just a brief thing," but it became a pattern.

Odd, how easy it was to slip back into that.  Never been good at coping with stress, and this was my primary method.  Felt lonely and frustrated and ashamed and restless.

The week is thankfully over.  Probably gained 4-5 pounds.  (Yes, it was that bad.)  But my progress over the past 154 days wasn't lost just with one bad week.  A setback, and one that'll take a couple of weeks to recover from.

When I weigh in tomorrow, I'll try to not freak out, even though it'll probably be closer to 141 lbs.  Chill, move on.

I'm not a piece of shit.  I'm not.

FFVIII – Part 24: In Da Pub

Summary: Exploring the city of Timber.

TW: domestic violence

FFVIII – Part 23: Copy of a Copy

Summary: The “negotiations” with “President Deling.” Preparation to return to Timber.

FFVIII – Part 22: The Train Job

Summary: The team learns and executes Rinoa’s plan to hijack a Galbadian train, kidnapping President Vinzer Deling.

FFVIII – Part 21: The Princess and the Dog

Summary: A short but delightful session. The SeeDs arrive in Timber and meet the rebels. The rebel princess revealed. DOG DOG DOG DOG DOG

Coldrun Fitness - Day 151

9:00am: Not feeling it the last couple of days.  Ignoring personal responsibilities, to-do lists that have served me well, and just...  It's hard to say.  Feeling like I don't care.

It'll pass I hope.

Gave up on tracking food yesterday and binged.  About 3,300 cal.  I doubt I'll "pay off" my caloric debt this week, but I'm less worried about that now.  Going to try getting things under control, to put myself into a position where I can steal some success.

Posting this early and tracking as I go today.  That usually encourages me to track accurately when this feeling hits.  It encourages me to care.

---

12:30pm: Calling it a day.  Ate a big lunch, and I think I'll try to leave it at that.  Water and soda the rest of today.

Haven't given up hope on still losing weight this week, and actually feeling okay at the moment.  If I can push through today, I'll be able to make up a lot of lost ground the next few days by staying at the manageable 1,900-2,000 cal range.


Caloric debt (start of day): 2,200 
Caloric debt (end of day): 1,280

FFVIII – Part 20: Sensate

Summary: End of the “dream.” Many unanswered questions, but an incredibly sweet and sympathetic portrayal of Laguna, Kiros, and Ward.  Meeting Julia.  Hints at deeper ties. Arrival at Timber.

Coldrun Fitness - Day 149

A binge day.  No way to state it other than that.  It happens.  I can do better.

Feeling unfocused.  Will work tomorrow to refocus.

Caloric debt: 1,090

FFVIII – Part 19: Steam Train, Dream Train

Summary: Some more time spent in Balamb. A nice relaxing train ride to Timber wait what’s this what’s happening who are you who are we what the fresh hell is going on

FFVIII – Part 18: Testing Knowledge

Summary: A preparatory session. I take a SeeD test *coughcough a few times coughcough* and think through party set-up.

Coldrun Fitness - Day 148

End of week #21 weight: 236.8 lbs
--- 
End of week #20 weight: 239.8 lbs
End of week #19 weight: 239.6 lbs
End of week #18 weight: 242.0 lbs
End of week #17 weight: 243.8 lbs 
End of week #16 weight: 247.8 lbs
End of week #15 weight: 246.6 lbs
End of week #14 weight: 248.2 lbs
End of week #13 weight: 248.2 lbs
End of week #12 weight: 250.8 lbs
End of week #11 weight: 249.4 lbs
End of week #10 weight: 251.8 lbs
End of week #9 weight: 255.2 lbs
End of week #8 weight: 257.8 lbs
End of week #7 weight: 258.6 lbs
End of week #6 weight: 256.4 lbs
End of week #5 weight: 260.0 lbs
End of week #4 weight: 262.0 lbs
End of week #3 weight: 262.4 lbs
End of week #2 weight: 265.0 lbs
End of week #1 weight: 268.2 lbs
Start of week #1 weight: 275.2 lbs

Coldrun Fitness - Day 147

Solid finish to the week.  Feeling confident going into tomorrow's weigh-in.


Caloric debt remaining with the week finished: 30

FFVIII – Part 17: Bedeviled

Summary: Some Triple Triad success around the school. The team sets out for Timber, before opening the worst going away present of all time. Thanks, Cid.

FFVIII – Part 16: Mysterious Stranger

Summary: Quistis and Squall save a mysterious woman and leave the Training Center. I procrastinate starting on my first mission in favor of playing Triple Triad around the school. My stronger card pool nets me many wins, but I blow my chance to get a card I badly wanted.

Coldrun Fitness - Day 146

Ate pretty well today.  Cut into caloric debt.

Caloric debt: 310

Coldrun Fitness - Day 145

Someone gifted me a box of delicious holiday cookies.  150 cal each.  I go to them too easily, but haven't been splurging on them really.  Going to adjust by having two per day instead of 3-4.


Caloric debt: 480

Coldrun Fitness - Day 144

Ate more than usual, but didn't full-on binge.  Feeling okay.

Caloric debt: 410

Coldrun Fitness - Day 143

FFVIII – Part 15: Teacher Evaluation

Summary: The inauguration party. Squall dances with a mysterious woman. A somewhat confusing midnight visit to the training center for Squall and Quistis. Squall is kind of a jerk. Unfortunately, so was I, totally misunderstanding the conversation and Quistis’ intentions until much later.

I was tempted to remove the part where I got annoyed at her hitting on Squall because I no longer believe that happened at all. It really bothers me and I feel legit guilty and ungracious, but whatever. It was my honest reaction. It stays.

Coldrun Fitness - Day 142

FFVIII – Part 14: Inauguration

Summary: Back at the B-Garden School. Squall passed the test! So did Selphie and Zell! Seifer did not! There’s a party! Everything is beautiful – especially the exuberance of Selphie and Zell.

FFVIII – Part 13: Card Capture

Summary: Exploration of the Balamb region and the town itself. I experiment with the Card GF ability, hunt for weapon upgrade items (mostly unsuccessfully).

Coldrun Fitness - Day 141

End of week #20 weight: 239.8 lbs
--- 
End of week #19 weight: 239.6 lbs
End of week #18 weight: 242.0 lbs
End of week #17 weight: 243.8 lbs 
End of week #16 weight: 247.8 lbs
End of week #15 weight: 246.6 lbs
End of week #14 weight: 248.2 lbs
End of week #13 weight: 248.2 lbs
End of week #12 weight: 250.8 lbs
End of week #11 weight: 249.4 lbs
End of week #10 weight: 251.8 lbs
End of week #9 weight: 255.2 lbs
End of week #8 weight: 257.8 lbs
End of week #7 weight: 258.6 lbs
End of week #6 weight: 256.4 lbs
End of week #5 weight: 260.0 lbs
End of week #4 weight: 262.0 lbs
End of week #3 weight: 262.4 lbs
End of week #2 weight: 265.0 lbs
End of week #1 weight: 268.2 lbs
Start of week #1 weight: 275.2 lbs

------

This was unexpected.  I thought I'd go up at least 1-2 pounds.

To borrow a phrase from Lafayette in Hamilton, I snatched a stalemate from the jaws of defeat.  I'll take it. (No, I didn't just survive the winter at Valley Forge, but I do enjoy the song!)

Coldrun Fitness - Day 140

Had a rough go of things earlier this week, but didn't give up and finished strong.  Some good days to couple with the bad this week.

Probably gained a couple of pounds this week, and I'm okay with that.  I didn't give up.  That's enough for now, say thankya.

FFVIII – Part 12: Dollet Departure

Summary: Two old friends return. The Communications Tower reactivates. The squad flees from Dollet, pursued by a mechanical monster. Quistis is awesome, Seifer’s a jerk, news at 11.

Coldrun Fitness - Day 139

A better day.

FFVIII – Part 11: Loud Strife

Summary: Squad B reaches the Dollet Town Square, then pushes on against orders to the Communications Tower. Selphie joins. Everyone decides that it’s “Pick on Zell Day.” Grr. On a happier note, PUPPY!

Coldrun Fitness - Day 138

Overate, but didn't binge.  Made some good choices (like not getting fries with a burger or eating a bread when I didn't need it) and some bad choices (like eating a croissant in the morning, a cookie in the afternoon, or lots of pretzel nuggets in the evening).

I'm close.  If I had made a better choice one of those three times, I would've been fine.  Close.

FFVIII – Part 10: Seedlings

Summary: Squall explores Balamb. The team begins their test mission in Dollet. Zell and Quistis team up to annoy Seifer and Squall.

Coldrun Fitness - Day 137

Yesterday was another binge day.  Didn't track, just ate and ate.

Been feeling awful about myself, and binge eating has historically been a way I dealt with it.  An old habit I tried on again the last couple of days.

But I've been here before on this journey from 275 lbs to 240 lbs.  It happens, and I know how to deal with it.  Two binge days means I won't lose weight this week, and probably will gain weight.  There's nothing to do about the past now.  It's the past.  My goal is to do as well as I can for the rest of the week.

Today, I'm publishing this Coldrun Fitness post early, and updating as I eat.  This should help allay the temptation to ignore tracking, to further slide and lose momentum.

FFVIII – Part 9: Pell-Mell Zell

Summary: Back at the school, the class gets ready for the SeeD tests. The squad assembles, led by Seifer. We meet the absolutely ridiculous Zell.

Coldrun Fitness - Day 135

Bad day.  Felt disorganized, depressed, out of sorts all day.  Binged.

Caloric debt: 890

FFVIII – Part 8: Fire Cavern

Summary: We conquer the Fire Cavern, learn about elemental junctioning, and spend a lot of time drinking enemies’ milkshakes to stock up on spells. (Sorry, that’s the image that’s 100% locked into my head whenever I use “Draw.”)

FFVIII – Part 7: Up the Junction

Summary: Finished up at the school. Quistis and Squall head to the Fire Cavern as Quistis drops some knowledge about junctioning GF and junctioning magic. I do my best to absorb it.

Coldrun Fitness - Day 134

End of week #19 weight: 239.6 lbs
--- 
End of week #18 weight: 242.0 lbs
End of week #17 weight: 243.8 lbs 
End of week #16 weight: 247.8 lbs
End of week #15 weight: 246.6 lbs
End of week #14 weight: 248.2 lbs
End of week #13 weight: 248.2 lbs
End of week #12 weight: 250.8 lbs
End of week #11 weight: 249.4 lbs
End of week #10 weight: 251.8 lbs
End of week #9 weight: 255.2 lbs
End of week #8 weight: 257.8 lbs
End of week #7 weight: 258.6 lbs
End of week #6 weight: 256.4 lbs
End of week #5 weight: 260.0 lbs
End of week #4 weight: 262.0 lbs
End of week #3 weight: 262.4 lbs
End of week #2 weight: 265.0 lbs
End of week #1 weight: 268.2 lbs
Start of week #1 weight: 275.2 lbs

---

WOOHOO!  Welcome to the 230s!  Celebrated today by getting a new pair of jeans, one size smaller than I've been wearing.  (40x32 down from 42x32.)

On we go.

Coldrun Fitness - Day 133

Caloric debt cleared!  Weigh-in tomorrow.

Coldrun Fitness - Day 132

One more day until weigh-in.  Feeling good.  Nearly cleared my week's caloric debt.

---

Caloric debt: 100

FFVIII – Part 6: Win, Lose, and Draw

Summary: Dipping my toes into what appear to be deep, deep waters of battle operations. Squall gets eaten by a dinosaur.

Coldrun Fitness - Day 131

Caloric debt: 510

FFVIII – Part 5: Stroll Through the Garden

Summary: I explore the different wings of the school.

Coldrun Fitness - Day 130

I erred today.  I went to a chicken place and ordered three chicken fingers with sauce.  When I got home, I saw they included two sauces, fries, and toast, and I ate it all.  I regretted not refrigerating or throwing away the extra food immediately.

---

Caloric debt remaining: 880

FFVIII – Part 4: Triple Threat Triad

Summary: I explore the school a bit, but mostly get lost in the glory and wonder (and no small amount of confusion) of playing cards.

Coldrun Fitness - Day 129

Minor binge day.

Caloric debt: 470

FFVIII – Part 3: Garden Network

Summary: Learning more about the world of FFVIII and the Balamb Garden.

FFVIII – Part 2: Squall and Quistis

Summary: Dipping our toes into the new environment of the Garden School.