Coldrun Fitness - April 30, 2016

Painful day, but progress.  Why?  This was an honest day.  If I were to give up, stop caring about my weight in any way, shape, or form, and just go with my "gut," the next year would be a series of days like today.  By the end, I'd probably weight around 290 lbs. 

This is me today. 

Shame hasn't helped me recently.  Self-hatred hasn't helped me.  So I'm posting this log and trying to disassociate myself from those feelings. 

This is me today.  I'd like to change.  This doesn't feel good.  Physically, it doesn't feel good.

Shame and self-hate aside.

Chrono Trigger – Part 21: Unsealed

Summary:Traveling across time unlocking sealed chests and seeing some of the consequences of my actions.

Chrono Trigger – Part 20: The Magic Kingdom

Summary: Jumped forward to 12,000 BC. Ice Age and the Kingdom of Zeal. A paradise powered by Satan the Hedgehog. Magus and the “Prophet” sowing discord. Schala and Janus.

Coldrun Fitness - April 29, 2016

Didn't track yesterday.  Updating my food log as I go through the day to hold myself accountable. Will add to it later in the day.

Going to try to not go over 2600 calories today.

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Food Log

• Hershey nuggets. (250 cal)
• Iced skim chai. (210 cal)
• 4oz. cheeseburger with mayo, sweet potato fries with ketchup. (1,150 cal)

Total calories:

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Lost track.  Didn't complete the day. Binged.

Coldrun Fitness - April 27, 2016

Summary: Just continued ongoing quests today.  Tomorrow, will review the workout initiation stuff for Nerd Fitness Academy.

Chrono Trigger – Part 19: Deep Impact

Summary: Ayla mounts a daring rescue into the heart of Reptite territory, flying to Tyrano Lair. Rescues her people. Fights through, defeats Queen Azala and her lieutenants. Victory over Azala’s reptites is more bittersweet than expected. Lavos arrives.

Coldrun Fitness - April 26, 2016: Nutrition

Summary: Thinking through my approach to the Nerd Fitness Academy leveling system.  Active quest log.  Binge day, but an honest one.  Optimistic about tomorrow.

Chrono Trigger – Part 18: Summoning Circle

Summary: Took on Magus, but didn’t stop whatever ritual he was working on (most likely summoning Lavos). Brief stop in some weird time where Marle and Crono are together, then back to 65,000,000 BC.

Coldrun Fitness - April 25, 2016: Mindset

Going through Nerd Fitness Academy's initial mindset elements.  Starting measurements.  Investigating my reasons.  Initial goal setting.  Environmental change.

Chrono Trigger – Part 17: You Know They Got a Hell of a Band

Summary: Fighting through the Magic Cave and Magus’s Lair. Taking down Magus’s lieutenants. Slash. Ozzie. <3 <3 <3 FLEA FLEA FLEA FLEA FLEA FLEA FLEA <3 <3 <3

Coldrun Fitness - April 24, 2016

Home from spending the holiday with my family.  Feeling calmer and better going forward after a really brutal, self-hating, self-destructive period.

I've decided to go a bit retro.  Rejoining Nerd Fitness Academy ("NFA"). 

Hiatus - Fitness/FF Update

On vacation, and away from my computer from today (Thursday morning) until Sunday night. Loving Chrono Trigger deeply so far, and will return to it when I get home.  Final Fantasy IX afterwards.

I wrote before about a cycle I go through, one that has led to me not losing weight in any long term way for years:

1) Frustration and anxiety and anger about my body.
2) Plan out habit changes to lose weight.
3) Enact habit changes.
4) Stress and anxiety and restlessness builds as I adapt badly to the change in habits.
5) Begin gradually to fall back into old habits.
6) Quit.
7) Frustration and anxiety and anger about my body.

Today through Sunday, my main fitness goal is going to be twofold:

1) Track what I eat and when I eat it.
2) Try to not hate myself.  Try to watch when I feel guilty, when I feel angry and anxious and ashamed of myself, and just let it go.  Don't fight it, but be aware of it when it happens.  Aware that it's not helpful. Try to slip away from it.


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See you in a few days.

CR

Chrono Trigger – Part 16: A Frog’s Tale

Summary: HAHAHAHA FUCKING YESSSSS BEST PART OF THE GAME SO FAR OR BEST PART OF THE GAME SO FAR????

Chrono Trigger – Part 15: Lizard and Ape

Summary: Into the lair of the Reptites. Goodbye (for now – please, just for now!) to Ayla. Reforging Masamune.

Coldrun Fitness - April 19, 2016 [complete]

TW: discussion of mental health

I've been thinking a lot about the past two years of late, and body and weight.  About the rut I've been stuck in over the long haul.

Tried seeing a counselor very recently, and yesterday had two diagnoses confirmed.  Major depression and ADHD.

Chrono Trigger – Part 14: Got Me on My Knees, Ayla

Summary: Brief visit with Frog. Traveled back to pre-history. Met the mighty, confident, radiant Chief Ayla. Party, theft, barter.

Chrono Trigger – Part 13: Masa, Mune

Summary: Visit to Chez Frog. Ascended the Denadoro Mountains and recovered the broken Masamune.

Coldrun Fitness - Day 7 [in progress]

Binged yesterday.

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I want to talk about body acceptance.  I don't understand it.

I hear that you're supposed to accept your body and be happy with it.  I'm fine feeling this way about other people, staying away from overt fatphobia.  This is America in 2016, and it'd be raw hubris to say I'm immune from making unconscious judgments of others.  I'd love for that to be the case, but I exist within a fatphobic culture.  Denying its influence on me is dishonest and unhelpful.

Still, it's easy to fight judgments of other bodies compared to judgments of my own.  I hate my body.  I hate what it's become, what it feels like, what it looks like.  It brings me shame and embarrassment.  I'm visiting family later this week, and thought of having to... I dunno, "present myself" and try subtly sucking in my gut even though it won't matter or make me look any thinner makes me sweat.

I'm ashamed of having GAINED weight after losing a lot since the last time I saw them, and having to prepare my weight-gain elevator speech if it comes up. "Yeah, went off track a little bit, but doing a bit better now!"  And I know they love me and don't really care about my weight, and I hate that it matters so much to me anyway.

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Which brings me back to acceptance.  There are two competing ideas in my mind that I don't know how to bring into harmony with each other:

1) I should accept my body.

2) I want to lose weight and become fitter.

How the hell am I supposed to accept myself if I want to change myself?  How does this work?

Note: this is not a rhetorical question.  I don't intend to say, "therefore weight loss is a pointless goal" or "therefore body acceptance is a pointless goal."  I believe there's a way to square the two.  I just don't know how.

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I've observed a cycle over the last two years of Coldrun Fitness.  (Two years over the course of which I've lost a net total close to zero pounds.)

1) Frustration and anxiety and anger about my body.
2) Plan out habit changes to lose weight.
3) Enact habit changes.
4) Stress and anxiety and restlessness builds as I adapt badly to the change in habits.
5) Begin gradually to fall back into old habits.
6) Quit.
7) Frustration and anxiety and anger about my body.

It's a vicious cycle.  It feels tied to body acceptance and shame.

I don't know how to make it stop.

Coldrun Fitness - Day 5 [complete]

Strong day. Great morning walk to/from diner.

Chrono Trigger – Part 12: Medieval Times

Summary: Brief stop in 1,000 AD before exploring the western continent of 600 AD. Fighting the forces of Magus. Rumor of the brat/hero, Tata.


1,000 AD – Medina Village and Surrounding Areas

-Came back here to explore a bit before heading back to 600.

-The town square that used to just have a save point now has eerie chanting.

-There’s a statue of “Sir Magus” in the middle.

The monsters marching around the statue and chanting mention the coming doom of Lavos. I’m guessing we’ve found our Big Bad for the game in Sir Magus.

-Strangely enough, Sir Magus looks to be human.

-No change in Melchior’s dialogue or most of the town’s.

-The Forest Ruins is a small area.

One treasure chest that gave me a Mid Ether, and a huge glowing blue pyramid that protects a platform.

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600 AD – Kingdom of Guardia

-The “Chosen One” has appeared wearing a Hero’s Medal. I’m guessing that’s Sir Cyrus having returned.

-A battle is being fought on the bridge to the south with Magus.

-The king was wounded in battle. I could either head to the bridge for the battle (perhaps it’s even a big bridge?), but would rather see the king first and the hero at the castle.

-Feels nice to visit the castle again and be warmly welcomed, not chased away.

-Castle is bustling, trying to nurse the king back to health and simultaneously get food to the front lines.

-Huh. I was wrong. The hero is a boy, not Cyrus. That boy (hell, for all I know maybe it’s a version of Crono from elsewhere in the timestream) is currently searching the southern continent for a sword to defeat Magus. Sounds like we have a new destination.

-Went to the Zenaan Bridge. There’s clearly a fight happening there, but I can’t get past to join. The Knight Captain mentions needing food again, so I head back to the castle to talk to the chef again.

-Success. The Chef gives me some food – Jerky, lol – to take to the Knight Captain, his brother.

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Zenaan Bridge

-This is a small thing, but I love it. It’s a feuding but warm relationship that the game is developing between two (apparently at the moment) minor characters, the Knight Captain and the Chef.

It’s not front-and-center, it’s not about saving the world, just two side characters. Adds such flavor and depth.

-Magus’s forces break through and the Knight Captain gives a pretty badass speech. He’s awesome.

-Hey, it’s General Ozzie, the ancestor of Elder Ozzie in 1,000 AD.

-Continuing to push her and her undead army across the bridge…

-At the end, she has a bunch of her skeletons Voltron together into Zombor. Boss time!

-Zombor has two parts – legs and head. Took out the legs first, then the floating skeleton torso. Not too bad, and the magic we have access to really messes him up. Robo Tackle obliterates him too. Love that tech!

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Sandorino Village

-There’s a town here. I was expecting it to be a monster town, but I shouldn’t be surprised that it’s a human town. Magus must be housed on the central continent and have invaded from there.

-A “Headman” wants someone named Toma to find a mythical Rainbow Shell. He sounds pretty confident and walks off. The Rainbow Shell can be used to construct reflective anti-magic armor.

-The sword that the hero is looking for is Masamune.

-hahahaha - Magus’s generals are Ozzie, Slash, and Flea. Team Magus knows how to rock.

-His lair is in an inaccessibly high place to the east.

-Toma is drinking in the bar. Hee! He tells us that “creepy, dangerous frogs” have taken over the woods to the south.

-EnergyWhirls dissipate with Slash. Guessing that’s an enemy coming up.

-The Hero is from Porre.

-The Masamune was made hundreds of years ago. I wonder if we’ll have to go back to 0 AD to find it.

-Masamune lies in Denadoro Mountains. Someone tells me to burn the weapons of the goblins in those mountains, so that must be a way of saying they’re weak to fire.

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Fiona’s Villa

-Small house between Sandorino and Porre. One woman inside. I’ll take a stab in the dark and say she’s Fiona.

-Her husband, Marco, is at war. It’s their job to guard the nearby woods. What are they guarding? Why are they guarding it? How? Why them? We’ll probably find out later.

-Went east afterwards to a small mountain, “Magic Cave.”

It’s too magic for me as it just looks like a cliff-face at the moment. Can’t find the entrance.

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Porre

-Bought some Gold Suits and Berets for upgrades.

-A woman at the Elder’s House in town wants to buy my Jerky for 10,000g. I have the option to sell it to her or give it away. I’ll choose to give it away. Better chance for something awesome to happen.

-Nothing immediate happens, but she says she’ll teach her kids the value of sharing. Perhaps they’ll get like a billion gold and share it with me later, or Excalibur or something. (That might even lure Gilgamesh into Chrono Trigger, which’d be awesome.)

-The kid with the Hero’s Medal is named Tata. People here think he’s searching for the legendary sword up north. There’s not too much north of here – perhaps in the Magic Cave.

-The magic cave is east of Denadoro.

-Frog came by recently! Yay! Mumbling about Masamune and Queen Leene.

-Tata has a reputation as a brat.

-Toma again! He tracked down the Rainbow Shell. It’s on a small island, he’s just not sure which one.

-The magic cave has a secret lever that opens the cliff wall.

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Next time: into the Cursed Woods. I feel some regrets in hindsight about the Jerky. Like, she mentioned that she’d use it to cook, so maybe I should’ve waited around for her to finish the meal.

Coldrun Fitness - Day 4 [complete]

Day started in the danger zone, finished solidly.  Basketball!

Chrono Trigger – Part 11: Descendants of Magus

Summary: Back to 1,000 AD to Medina Village and the central continent. Slayed Heckran, got the next clue as to the origins of Lavos.

Coldrun Fitness - Day 3 [complete]

Solid day!  Rode my bike for the first time since the fall.  Felt great.

Chrono Trigger – Part 10: To Extremes

Summary: Exploring the end of time, with brief stops in pre-history and the Day of Lavos.

Coldrun Fitness - Day 2 [complete]

A change I've been trying out: eating without doing anything else.  Just eating.  Not reading while eating, not watching LPs on YouTube, not gaming.  So far I notice that it slows me down considerably.  We'll see how it goes.

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Fitness Log

• Breakfast: Two Eggo waffles with light maple syrup.  Banana.  Orange juice. (500 cal)
• Lunch: Chipotle burrito bowl with brown rice, half steak/half shredded beef, vegetables, salsa, cheese, guacamole. (880 cal)
• 12:45pm: Anxious, restless.
• Snack: Chocolate chip cookie. (300 cal)
• Walked about 30 minutes.  
• Snack: Peanut butter and jelly sandwich. (380 cal)
• Dinner: Two boiled hot dogs, mashed potatoes, and small vanilla frozen yogurt. (580 cal)

Total calories: 2,640

Chrono Trigger – Part 9: That Old Gang of Mine

Summary: Fighting through the factory to open the Gate to the past. Robo sees some old friends and learns about his former role. More pain and feels than I would've expected regarding Robo.

Chrono Trigger – Part 8: My Robot Friend

Summary: Hey there, have you heard about my robot friend? They’re metal and small and don’t judge me at all. They’re a cyber-wire bundle of joy.

Chrono Trigger – Part 7: End in Fire

Summary: Exploring the Arris Dome. Witnessing the Day of Lavos.

Coldrun Fitness - Day 1 [complete]

I woke up this morning so angry with myself.  Frustrated with myself.  But that's not a helpful feeling.  I mean, it is helpful, but only in a short-term way.  It's not sustainable.  So let me try not being angry or frustrated at myself for past failures around my weight and body and fitness.

I forgive myself.  I am what I am. That's okay.

But the anger is still there.  Maybe that's okay too.  Just won't direct it at myself.

Just so bored of being this same general weight, this 240-260 range (currently 254.4 as of this morning).  So fuck that.

I'm dropping to 190.  Soon.

It'll be satisfying, frustrating, enraging, joyful, all these things.  They're all okay.  I'll deal with them.

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Fitness Log

• Walked 3.91 miles in 1:35:51 this morning.
• Breakfast: Sesame bagel with light plain cream cheese.  Skim chocolate milk. (640 cal)
• Lunch: Chipotle burrito bowl with white rice, steak, vegetables, salsa, cheese, guacamole. (830 cal)
• Snack: Iced skim chai tea latte. (150 cal)
• 3:50pm: Feeling hungry, anxious. 
• Walked 3.81 miles in 1:20:17.  Tired and hungry.
• Snack: Frosted Flakes with skim milk.  Some Triscuits. (250 cal) 
• Two sets of push-ups (10, 8) and planking (25 seconds each).
• Macaroni and cheese.  Vanilla frozen yogurt with blueberries. (780 cal)

Total calories: 2,650

Coldrun Fitness - April 11, 2016

I've been really struggling of late.  Depressed, ashamed, self-hating.  Things were going well up until Easter, I hit a bump, and have been sliding since.  Lost all progress of late.  Back up to the low 250s.

Missing something.

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Diet

• Two Eggo waffles with light maple syrup, orange juice, banana. (510 cal)
• Triscuits. (160 cal)
• Chipotle burrito bowl with white rice, half steak/half shredded beef, vegetables, salsa, cheese, guacamole. (930 cal)
• Skim hot chocolate. (210 cal) [1,810 so far]

Total calories: [IN PROGRESS]

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Exercise

[IN PROGRESS]

Chrono Trigger – Part 6: Apocalypse Later

Summary: Crono breaks out of jail, rescued by Lucca and Marle. They escape into a post-apocalyptic wasteland in the future.

Chrono Trigger – Part 5: People v. Crono

Summary: Crono, Marle, and Lucca return to 1,000 AD. A less-than-warm welcome at Guardia Castle. Crono on trial.

Coldrun Fitness - Preparation for April 7, 2016

Planning tomorrow's fitness:

Diet

• 3/4 cup of Cocoa Krispies with 3/4 cup of skim milk. (300 cal)
• Apple. (100 cal)
• Peanut butter and jelly on wheat bread, bottled mocha frappuccino, and pretzels. (660 cal)
• 16 oz. iced skim chai tea latte. (200 cal)
• Macaroni and cheese.  3/4 cup of rocky road. (900 cal)

Total calories: 2,160

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Exercise

Walk 30+ minutes.
Two sets of push-ups and planking.

Chrono Trigger – Part 4: Attack of the Nuns!

Summary: Invaded Yakra’s cathedral. Freed Queen Leene from the clutches of the evil yak monster and his army of snake nuns. I feel blessed to write that sentence.

Chrono Trigger – Part 3: The Line of Leene

Summary: Back in the Middle Ages. A queen who isn’t what she seems, a cathedral that isn’t what it seems. “Marle” and Lucca.

Chrono Trigger – Part 2: Fair Day

Summary: A day at the fair like any other. Playing games, betting on races, drinking soda, making friends (hi, Marle!), mystic portal to parts unknown.

Chrono Trigger – Part 1: Start the Clock

A new game. And not a Final Fantasy game wtffff!!?!?!?! Final Fantasy IX is next on my list. It’s coming out on Steam “early 2016.” Rather than refreshing the Steam game page every two minutes or emulating it or playing it on mobile, I decided to do an unspoiled non-FF game in the interim. 





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Summary: Learning the basics of the game and the world as Crono in the kingdom of Guardia.
 

FFVIII – Part 84: Boko's World

Summary: Tried out the FFVIII Chocobo World minigame. Cool and fun premise, mind-crushingly boring gameplay.