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This is a continuation of the slapstick, goofy Hildibrand questline. I last did the Heavensward version back in October of 2018: http://coldrungaming.blogspot.com/2018/10/ffxiv-p...
Onto the Stormblood series. The quest starts in Kugane.
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A Hingan Tale: Nashu Goes East
-Props already for the quest name playing off a beloved childhood movie, “An American Tail: Fievel Goes West.” About a Jewish mouse refugee from Ukraine, Fievel Mousekewitz.
(Well, I at least liked the original. This sequel was fine enough.)
-A lalafel with a HUGE crush on Nashu (and how could you not have a huge crush on Nashu?) saw her alone in a tavern. Wants me to check on her, make sure she’s safe.
-She’s talking to the sleazy namazu Gyodo, asking after Hildibrand. Gyodo assures her he’s seen her. He’ll take her right to him!
Two things:
1) DO NOT GO, HE TRIED THIS SAME SHIT ON US AND NEARLY SOLD US TO THE EMPIRE
2) NASHU: “You are ever so kind and helpful, mister talking cat!” lololol
-Gyodo sees me and immediately backed off. Can’t con a mark twice. (Though I guess we’ll see in 2020.)
-…omg she calls him “little Gyoza.”
NASHU (a cat person): “I should know not to trust a talking cat.” I’m not gonna survive this questline.
-Nashu and I will search for Inspector Hildibrand by looking for a case. He’s surely hot on some trail.
-As she asks around, I find that lalafel watching her from a distance.
CONSPICUOUSLY INCONSPICUOUS MAN: “True love is not the product of clumsy banter but careful study! Years and years of observation – of obsession! Until you know her better than she knows herself!”
Okay I’m with you on the Nashu crush, but you’re stalkery af.
-He wants to help Nashu on her quest for a crime… from the shadows, using me to communicate in the light. This is one of those times where in real life I’d run and tell Nashu to beware and never help this stalker dude again, but in the name of the quest, I’ll roll with it.
-Anyway, we do keep hearing about the wealthy in town being robbed.
OKAY I TAKE IT ALL BACK, BLESS THIS QUESTLINE. I talk to Nashu and have two options:
1) “A skilled thief seems to be targeting wealthy merchants.”
2) “A creepy little bastard who followed you to Kugane says he’s been stalking you for five years.”
#2 #2 #2!!!!!!!
-She just thinks I’m joshing her. I have to go with #1 to progress. At least I tried.
-A merchant named Akebono with a truly epic mustache is one of the victims.
A dashing samurai – Shigurai - is already on the case. He’ll likely be the straight man in this questline.
-Akebono’s most treasured possessions were stolen, replaced with a note:
“You have just been robbed by the Kugane Wolf Burglar!”
NOOOOO GOD NO
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
http://coldrungaming.blogspot.com/2014/12/ffvi-pa...
This is a brutal FFV memory. I let Lone Wolf out of prison early in the game just because, idk, I was drunk or something? And from then on, I constantly reached treasure chests that said “Lone Wolf the Pickpocket was here!” He took my treasures ALL THE TIME.
ALL
THE
TIME
Now he’s haunting me in FFXIV. I’ll bet if I left his wolfy ass in prison back in FFV, this questline wouldn’t exist.
-The Wolf Burglar has left similar calling cards at other crime scenes. We’re on the case.
-The opening credits for this questline roll (briefly).
-Surreal as ever.
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Life Imitates Art Imitates Life
-Nashu actually seems competent at investigating. Penny to Inspector Hildibrand’s Inspector Gadget. [Later edit: That may be overstating it, but still!]
She found witnesses who actually saw the burglar fleeing the scene.
…though skilled as an investigator, not so much as a sketch artist. XD
-One citizen even uses his cursed name: “He is a ‘lone wolf’ without comrades…”
-We bump into Shigure once again. He learned of a private auction with foreign wares. Perhaps we’ll catch the Wolf Burglar there.
-Auction time. The first item is… WTF? It’s a live qiqirin? (The rat-people.)
-The broker markets the qiqirin as a “demon of legend” whose flesh grants you eternal life when eaten.
Seriously, wt actual f? That’s an intelligent, sentient being.
-The next item is an intricate statue called “The Eoruzean Gentleman.”
Yeah, it’s literally just Hildibrand lol. He must’ve gotten frozen in place when he crashed down here in the east.
-Nashu – an especially violent cat woman – breaks out a bomb to wake him up. Even just the threat sort of works.
-I get into a bidding war with Akebono for this statue.”
AKEBONO: “Bwahaha! There’s nothing I can’t buy!” This is giving me strong memories I can’t quite place. Maybe the auction house back in FFVI?
-He’s about to win when a smoke bomb gets tossed into our midst. The “statue” is gone. All that’s left is a calling card. I know what it says even before Shigure reads it.
CHEEKY NOTE: “You have just been robbed by the Kugane Wolf Burglar!”
-We pursue the lupin west. He fled across the water, to the Ruby Sea.
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Of Wolves and Gentlemen
-Our pursuit leads us to someone dressed like a wolf. Actually a Gentle Dead Man, one of Hildibrand’s zombie acolytes and how is that a sentence.
He came here in search of other undead. It didn’t really pan out (we killed most of the undead we faced back in Stormblood), but then he sensed Hildibrand’s aether and is following.
Lucky! We got a Hildibrand-centered compass.
-Apparently, this Gentle Dead Man’s wolf costume is a gift from a traveling artist as a way to make him easier to approach for others, less scary.
SHIGURE: “…Nothing I have heard makes the slightest bit of sense to me.” Welcome to the Hildibrand quests my dude.
-Found him! On a nearby island, the Wolf Burglar runs with a still-frozen Hildibrand on his back.
-NASHU IS THE BEST – She launches a “triple serving of dango bombs” to free Hildibrand.
It knocks both the now-awake Hildibrand and the Wolf Burglar back, nearly plunging off a cliff.
-Again, this feels very FFVI. I don’t remember the details – just something about pursuing Lone Wolf to a cliff’s edge.
-We opt to reach out for the Wolf Burglar. After all, Hildibrand has canonical Looney Toons powers to survive every fall.
-The Wolf Burglar jumps too, saved by his pet eagle. So we’re not done with him yet.
-Hildibrand falls from the cliff, but of course he’s okay.
-Y’know what? For all his goofiness and Inspector Gadget-esque incompetence, he’s got good intentions. He met a Qiqirin friend of the kidnapped/auctioned Qiqirin, and wants to help.
I ship tf out of it.
-We return to Kugane, and the sekiseigumi (samurai guards) arrest the auctioneer who kidnapped the Qiqirin. GOOD. I mean, I hope Lone Wolf goes to prison, but the slave-trader is higher priority.
(Barely.)
-AHA! Shigure is a “ronin.” He was hoping to use this as way to get into the sekiseigumi, but they see it as irresponsible that he didn’t come to them and instead pursued the Wolf on his own.
That seems like it’s gonna be a recurring arc. I’ll bet Shigure winds up in the sekiseigumi.
-Hildibrand is on the case. He’s moved by Shigure’s plight, and will stop at nothing to apprehend the Wolf Burglar with him.
See what I mean? Good guy Hildibrand.
There’s a lot in this quest’s slapstick, in-your-face, cartoony sense of humor that isn’t my particular brand. Some of it feels so distant from what we see in American humor that it MUST be some sort of cultural gap. It uses literal slide whistles for comic emphasis!!
But Hildibrand’s basic good nature bridges that gap well for me.
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Random Stuff Around Eorzea
-Some great player names:
Leeloo Dallas (love the Fifth Element fanfic!)
Mega Hurtz
Killary Awesomelazer
De Bussy
Cantsee Shiet
Obento Box
-My favorite Plantagenet:
-A bizarre tentacle minion that randomly breaks out a blaster:
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Next time: Stormblood’s Hildibrand quests continue.
