A Moogle Kupo d’Etat
As with “A Crystalline Prophecy,” it’s been a long while since I started this storyline.
http://coldrungaming.blogspot.com/2017/03/ffxi-pa...
The story so far: my handymoogle, Moggie, needed to repair our mog house. He requested supplies/funds from his supervisor, Dom Kupeliaure. The reply both fired him and CURSED him.
When I left off, Doctor Shantotto in Windurst asked for a Starfruit to help remove this curse. Also, Shantotto may have helped curse Moggie to begin with.
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An Errand! The Professor’s Price (A Moogle Kupo d’Etat)
-This is the part I got stuck on before, but I’m higher level now. I get the fruit and return to Shantotto.
“Excellent, and very well!
Now off to Jeuno. We’ve a curse to dispel!”
-The professor and I return to my poor cursed moogle. OH NO HE’S SHAKING WITH FRIGHT *hugs*
-Shantotto casts her spell and this house is clean. But as she does, she admits under her breath that she designed the curse to begin with. Someone hired her. lol Shantotto is such a sleaze.
-Moggie invites Dom Kupeliaure to help clear things up. Six moogle goons appear with him.
-Wait. This isn’t Dom Kupeliaure. Dom Kupeliaure is a friendly, sweet guy. This is Toto Kupeliaure, Dom’s shitty son.
TOTO: “The old man’s on an extended leave of abscess, so I’ve taken control of the family biz in his place!”
This is the asshole who fired Moggie!
-Toto plans to become a slum lord over the mog houses, privatizing this public good. He demands back-rent from Moggie: “Eleventy-five thousand, eight hojillion and two gils. Payable immediately.”
-Toto leaves. Moggie needs quick cash, so he asks me to retrieve his buried moggy bank.
“The hard-earned gil I saved for my honeymoon with my dearest, darling Kupiruru!” FUCK THE SYSTEM
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Mission: Shock! An Arrant Abuse of Authority (A Moogle Kupo d’Etat)
-I head to Pashhow Marshlands to find the moggy bank, and this quest rules.
CHOCOBO HOT AND COLD YESSSSS. I rent a chocobo, take her into the Pashhow Marshlands where the chest is buried, and we dig around for the chest. An awesome little mini-game.
(The music is pleasant enough, but doesn’t remotely hold a candle to the hot and cold music from FFIX.)
-I return the chest to my handymoogle. He happily dives into his chest. LOOKIT HIS LITTLE KICKY LEGS
-Not much money in there though. Only 632 gil. Union wages haven’t kept up with inflation.
-So the moogle will go to Riko Kupenreich for help. “The slipperiest, shadiest, shiftiest, scheming-est moneylender in all of Vana’diel, kupo!” A moogle loan shark with a grudge against the Kupeliaures.
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Mission: Lender Beware! Read the Fine Print (A Moogle Kupo d’Etat)
-I find Riko. I just can’t get over how CUTE these guys are. Especially when they’re trying to be tough.
-He’s shocked by the amount of money I ask for but is on my side: “That snot-nosed Toto Kupeliaure is trying to privatize the Mog Houses, you say?”
“You’ve got yourself a loan. We’ll give the Kupeliaure brat what he’s asking for… heh heh heh.” He knows how bad Toto’s plan would be for business so, it sounds like “Uncle Riko” plans to sabotage it.
-I report the good news to my moogle. Unfortunately, a trio of goblin repo men come from Toto to collect. And they ask for double the initial money Toto requested.
GOBLIN REPOSSESSOR: “Guess you never hear of little something we call ‘interest.’”
He offers a deal. If my handymoogle agrees to leave his home and live in unpaid servitude to Toto Kupeliaure, this whole matter gets cleared up. And a cherry on top:
“We just happen to have a special visitor back at the office. Sweet little girl… with cute little tail and wings.”
TOTO’S GOONS ARE NOW THREATNING THE HANDYMOOGLE’S FIANCEE. Look, I know that Promathia and the Shadow Lord wanted to destroy or enslave humanity, but they don’t hold a candle to Toto Kupeliaure. He’s the vilest villain to ever vex Vana’diel.
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Mission: Rescue! A Moogle’s Labor of Love (A Moogle Kupo d’Etat)
-I’m off to save his fiancée in the Quicksand Caves.
-Toto’s goons blasted the key to their lair into nine pieces.
-A goblin geologist helps me collect all nine from the expansive Quicksand Caves, and I’m ready.
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Mission: Roar! A Cat Burglar Bears Her Fangs (A Moogle Kupo d’Etat)
-Kupiruru is here! She’s safe!
KUPIRURU: “Rescue? Whatever are you talking about? Why, I was just playing dress-up with my new friends here. Do you like the cute costume they picked out for me, kupo?” She’s… a bit oblivious.
-The repo goblins appear, ready to take us down. Plus, Toto hired a Mithra thief I’ve seen in Bastok to help fight us.
-We defeat her and she flees. The three goblins enforcers give that whole “the battle isn’t over, crystal clods!” kind of thing.
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Mission: Relief! A Triumphant Return (A Moogle Kupo d’Etat)
-Moggie and I return to the Jeuno mog house. Toto Kupeliaure is bound to try something.
-A letter arrives from Toto:
“My heart-filled apologies for this most terrible dis-understanding. Let’s let bygones be things that have gone by. A bridge under water, as they say!” He’s throwing us a party.
DON’T GO!! THIS IS SOME RED WEDDING BULLSHIT. To make things worse, this party will be at “scenic Castle Zvahl.” The Shadow Lord’s old home.
-Moggie is just psyched to party. Not the most perceptive moogle.
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Mission: Joy! Summoned to a Fabulous Fete (A Moogle Kupo d’Etat)
-Toto’s guards greet us as guests of honor.
“Step right up and proceed deeeeeeeep into Toto’s house of horr – I mean, mirth and merriment, kupo!”
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Mission: A Challenge! You Could Be a Winner (A Moogle Kupo d’Etat)
-I head to Beaucedine Glacier and there’s a treasure game. Visit six spots in the zone, find a secret number, and use it to unlock a chest. It’s… way too complicated.
-The next is in Xarcabard. A series of math questions. Some are easy, but one is just silly: “How many times have you entered your Mog House?” It’s multiple choice thankfully, but I have no frigging idea!
-The final challenge is in Castle Zvahl, the “Gauuuntlet of Foooortitude!” They reduce me to level 1, give me full stealth, and I have 8 minutes to navigate to a certain point in Castle Zvahl.
-Now to collect my “prize” (which will surely be an assassination attempt by Toto Kupeliaure) in the throne room at the “MEGA MOG BONANZA-RAMA-PALOOZA!” It only now starts to dawn on Moggie that there are no prizes.
-Toto theatrically floats down. He’s not alone. It’s Riko!!
RIKO: “You’ll get your games alright, kid. Whaddaya say we start with ‘Pin the Sword in the Meddling Moogle?’”
-I thought the moogle loan shark was on my side. Instead, he’s the real mastermind behind this mog house privatization scheme.
RIKO: “Listen up, you no-good moochers. You’ve gotten away with yer rent-free Mog Houses for long enough. Ya want repairs and renovations? A penthouse suite with a Ru’Lude Gardens view? Fine. Here’s the deal.
“First, we tear up each and every one of those sorry shacks you call Mog Houses. In their place, we put up luxury apartments with all the modern accoutrements. Glorious, massive Mog Towers reaching high into the clouds!
“No more free rides for you freeloading adventurers. I’ll cater only to the richest of the rich – fat cats and bigwigs with the loosest of purse strings. No more skulking in the shadows for me. Soon, all of Vana’diel will know the name of Riko Kupenreich, mog estate tycoon! Bwahahahaha!”
-Toto Kupeliaure starts to laugh alongside his “partner,” but Riko suddenly and inevitably betrays Toto. This will be a Riko-only operation.
-Riko unveils his secret weapon: magicite. He embedded magicite in his tummy for a power-up.
“I am the Moogle to End All Moogles! The Alpha and the Omega! The Keeper of the Kupocalypse! Feel the fury of innumerous pairs of purple wings beating as one! This… is Mogmageddon!”
THIS IS THE BEST THING IN ALL FINAL FANTASY
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Mission: Smash! A Malevolent Menace (A Moogle Kupo d’Etat)
-The fight takes a few phases, and he keeps summoning henchmoogles (!!), but I eventually take him down.
-The magicite detaches from Riko and shatters.
-He acts like he was possessed by the magicite, thanking us for freeing him. Suuuure. Idk whether he’s lying, but he extends Moggie’s free mog house lease. Yay!
“To tell you the truth, Uncle Riko’s been doing a lot of thinking during these past few minutes. Why, I believe I’ll give up my moneylending operation and devote the rest of my life to charity. Rent-free shelters for orphans! Food kitchens serving piping hot turtle soup to the poor!”
Suuuuuuuuure. I’m certain these last two minutes have been a transformative experience for you. See ya, Riko.
Toto tries to sneak away but we catch him. His dad is probably back from vacation, and he’s terrified of retribution from Dom Kupeliaure. “So no h-h-hard feelings, o-okay? Ta-ta, Kupo!” He races away.
-Moggie and I return home. The end.
-THAT WAS GREAT! A silly little short story about the moogles’ fight against gentrification. Goofy and awesome.
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Next time: A Shantotto Ascension.
