On confidence.
I've probably put on weight this week. Some okay plans, just shopped today for groceries, started exercising, but I haven't been following through. More binges. I know what's missing in this. I've known for a while, and have been afraid to confront it.
Grit.
Well, there are probably better words for it. But perseverance. A sense that things will be tough, and I can face those tough things and live with them and come out better for it. Whenever I binge, it's a retreat from challenge.
I'm used to thinking of of eating well as an all-or-nothing thing, and still slip into that even now. Either I eat Diet Lettuce Slices with Low-Fat Water Soup, or I binge on ice cream and Chipotle. This is false. I have a plan now for progressive challenge, increasing moves towards fully healthy eating. The step I'm on now is not some crash diet. It's eat less.
And yet, I keep slipping away even from that. It's because of a lack of personal grit.
It's okay. I'm not blaming myself fully. Or rather, I'm blaming myself, but not judging myself. I heard for a long time that I'm a weak piece of shit. It's a voice that sticks with me even now, that I've internalized.
Fuck that voice.
I'm not a piece of shit. I'm better than that. I won't always act better, and the attempt to gain a sense of grit in the face of inertia and temptation is not a single choice. It's a series of constant choices. It won't happen overnight.
But along the way, I want remember that. Build on it as a foundation.
I am not a weak man. I am no pushover.
